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Be Proactive in Procrastination! Stop it before it starts for you. Here are some simple solutions to avoid procrastinating: *Be mindful. Take inventory of the sites and sounds of your environment before you start a project. Are you in a place that is productive? *Be self aware. Are you tired, cranky, having a bad day? What is your most energetic time of the day? Start then. *"Learn as a I do, not as I say". Actions speak louder than words. When you begin to hear your self defeating words of doubt, do not listen, just keep on going. A project finished is based on the behavior. Allow your body to go and your mind to listen to it. Act first, listen second, and you will see results. You will start to see how much power our minds have when we procrastinate. *Remember: Procrastination does not exist if you do not let it. When you see something that needs to be done, if it takes less than 5 minutes, do it now. That 5 minutes now will save you 5 minutes later. *Remember: You are in control of your life!

Relationship Tip: Practicing Empathy with your Partner in an Argument

 Most simply stated, empathy is the ability to put oneself in another's shoes - and also the willingness to respond to the person's needs. I believe it's one of the most important components of a happy, healthy relationship. Lack of empathy is a very common problem with couples. Many people never learned how to be empathetic from their primary caregivers or weren't modeled empathy by other important people in their lives. The good news is - it can be taught.

Here are 5 steps to practicing empathic communication when discussing a difficult subject:

1) Listen without interruption as your partner describes his/her feelings about the subject.

2) Pause and imagine how your partner might be feeling.

3) Reflect back what the partner has said in regards to their feelings such as, "It sounds like you're saying you're upset because..."

4) Validate their feelings such as, "I understand that you're upset..." You don't have to get why - just allow them to have their feelings.

5) Offer support by saying something like, "Let's try to figure this out together."

This type of dialogue takes practice but the long term payoff of empathic communication is well worth it - and a key component of a strong relationship foundation.

To learn more about Lisa's therapy work or read more of her mental health and relationship articles and tips, go to www.lisakifttherapy.com.

Anxiety Tip: Calming the Spinning Thoughts of Anxiety

People who suffer with the distressing symptoms of anxiety often experience rumination, or recurrent worry and thought spinning. This can greatly impact sleep and daily living. The negative cyclical thinking tends to have a spiraling effect - where the person ends up at the worst possible scenario - "Something bad will happen to me," or "She's going to leave me...," etc. There is often absolutely no evidence to support the beliefs yet the emotional reactivity they stir up makes them feel very real to the person thinking them! If you feel invaded by fear based thinking, here are some steps you can take to get the thoughts out of your head right now:

1) Anchor your awareness in the present by taking slow deep breaths, keeping focused on your breathing. Do so for several minutes.

2) Notice your feelings and label them. Think of the "big four," mad, sad, glad and afraid.

3) Acknowledge the feelings rather than try to push them away as you continue to breathe deeply.

4) Give yourself a break. Imagine how you might be with a friend who was struggling in the same way you are. Would you be compassionate? Empathetic? Be the same way with yourself.

5) Breathe slowly for another minute or so as you refocus your attention to the day.

These steps will provide the framework for a good start in decreasing thought spinning. There are a lot of other great tools that can be learned to use on your own. In my work with people struggling with anxiety, a combination of family of origin exploration and cognitive behavioral therapy has been highly effective in diminishing the effects of many types of anxiety.

To learn more about Lisa's therapy work or read more of her mental health and relationship articles or tips, go to www.lisakifttherapy.com.

Healthy Boundaries Tip: Setting Boundaries for Yourself by Saying "No"

People who struggle with setting boundaries for themselves often struggle with saying "no." Using that word can literally bring up discomfort for them. For this reason, they overcommit, don't end up with any time for themselves and can even be taken advantage of by others. Their friends, family, partners and coworkers can develop unfair expectations of them as the "person who will always be there."

There are several issues that typically underly the inability to say "no" which is an article for another time. However, if you are someone who'd like to start setting more defined boundaries for yourself, then I have some ideas about how to begin.

Here are three suggestions of how to say "no" that don't include making up an excuse.

1) "I can't right now." This allows for the possibility of doing it at another time but is a softer way of saying "no."

2) "My plate is too full to commit to anything else right now." Most people can relate to this.

3) "I'm not able to but maybe I can help find someone else who can." You set your boundary while showing concern.

Keep in mind that learning to say "no" takes practice and you likely will need to push past uncomfortable feelings to get there. Also know that you might be met with some resistance from people who are baffled by the change in you. It might come in a look or even attempting to talk you into their request. Keep focused on what you're trying to accomplish. You're not only making personal changes but are modifying the expectations of others around you.

To learn more about Lisa's therapy work or read her numerous mental health and relationship articles go to www.lisakifttherapy.com.

Effective Tips to Positive Communication

1.  Ask and inform you partner about what your needs are:  Your partner can’t read your mind, so don’t force them to try.  Avoid sending hints or beating around the bush with "mind games"--they may seem cute and fun, but your partner might not always think so.
2.  Make time during the day to talk to your partner:  30 minutes a day, preferably some time during the evening after you have both had time to wind down, find out what each other did during their day, share thoughts, experiences, etc.  MAKE THIS HABITUAL!
3.  Avoid critical and absolute words: Critical words are words which show judgment.--"Why did you…?" or "You shouldn‘t have done it that way."  While absolute words form roadblocks to communication, preventing improvement-- "You will never…" or "You always…"
4.  If you are upset, take time to release some of your stress:  Be considerate of your partner by not taking out your frustrations on them.  Try journaling, taking a walking, or talking yourself through your thoughts to clear your head.  Diffusion of small problems allows you to be more attentive and less reactive to your partner.
5.  Remember and reinforce the concept of teamwork:  Realize that in a healthy, loving relationship no one "wins" an argument; serious commitment means meeting your partner halfway.  Attempt to resolve the issue as a team by finding a way to fix the situation through compromising and understanding.
6.  Exhibit to each other that you both understand where the other person is coming from: Validate your partner’s feelings by having empathy, attempting to understand, and clarifying their thoughts.  Ask questions to prove that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say.  By summarizing what they are telling you, you are showing your partner that you are an attentive listener who is making the effort to ensure they are being understood.

If you have a history of bad communication in your relationship, it might take more than these behaviors listed. You will have to resolve the past so it doesn't interfere with your current behaviors.  Possibly working with a professional therapist can help. 

 

Building healthy and effective communication may include working out some unresolved problems within the relationship.  If you can’t seem to get the communication built strong and you are in San Diego, I would like to help you work on building a secure foundation in your relationship.  Give me a call to schedule an appointment or visit EstesTherapy

 


 

Guilt!

My trusty source dictionary.com defines guilt as "a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined." I must emphasize the word imagined because that's usually the type of offense I feel guilty about.

Take yesterday, for example. My mom had a "mini-stroke," which unfortunately happens several times per year. I felt guilty for not rushing up to the hospital to be with my mom - or so I thought. What I was really feeling bad about was the possibility that my mom's friend - the one who called me to tell me about her mini-stroke - would think that I was a "bad" daughter. Like that even matters in the grand scheme of things.

I knew that I was not doing anything wrong by not going. After all, a hospital is theoretically one of the safest places a sick person could be. My mom flat out told me not to come. There was nothing that my presence could have added to the situation.

Yet I felt guilty.

So, next time you're feeling responsibility or remorse, take a minute to think about whether the situation is real or imagined. And if it's real, is it sensible? I really believe that guilt is ajust a motivator. If you feel it, you either need to change the situation or change your perspective.

Be Self-ish!

I say - resolve to be self-ish in 2007! The word "selfish" has given "self-care" a bad rap. Dictionary.com defines "selfish" as "devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others." We don't want to be characterized by not caring for others, but do we want to always put others before ourselves?

Many people see people who put others first as "saintly" or "self-sacrificing," like these are inherently good things to be! Even Jesus Christ took the time to be alone with God and replenish himself. There were times when he told the masses to back off - that he needed "me" time (not in those words, I'm sure).

I know that when I put myself first (because the requests of others are rarely that urgent or life-or-death), I feel more replenished and fulfilled. And then when someone else comes along who needs me, I can happily help because "my cup runneth over."

Think about it.

Focus on YOU in 2007!

With the new year comes new resolutions. I like to think of them more as "goals." The major goal I have set for mySelf in 2007 is to take better care of me. If I don't do it, who will?

I see it all the time...client after client comes in with this problem or that one...and they can all be traced back to lack of Self-care! Some might need to learn how to set boundaries. Some may need to learn how to eat better or to budget their money. But it all comes down to something that they did not take the time to learn or do because they were too busy doing for others!

I'd be lying if I said I never had that problem, but I do believe that awareness is step #1. Now, maybe a resolution for better Self-care is step #2.

What are you going to do this year to take better care of yourSelf?
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