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- A Glimpse Into Dr. Gross' Marriage Counseling and Communication Program
A Glimpse Into Dr. Gross' Marriage Counseling and Communication Program
- By Reuben Gross
- Published March 3, 2008
- Relationships , General Themes
- Unrated
Reuben Gross
Dr. Reuben Gross' Credentials:
New Jersey Board of Psychological Examiners License to Practice Psychology #851.
New Jersey Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #139.
Diplomate in Clinical Psychology, American Board of Professional Psychology.
Member of the American Psychological Association.
Member of the New Jersey Psychological Association.
Clinical Member, American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
Clinical Member, NJ Chapter of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
Fellow, American Academy of Clinical Psychology
Good Communication Promotes Sharing, Companionship, and Bonding
Sharing and Companionship
When individuals marry, they hope to grow together as they age, not grow apart. Their goal is to enjoy their lives with each other. For many people, it is hoped that this will take place within the context of sharing their hopes, thoughts, feelings and experiences (both happy and sad) with their lifelong partner/companion/friend/spouse.
Nonetheless, many husbands and wives complain that they feel lonely in the relationship. Clearly, people do not marry with the goal of feeling alone; they have already experienced this before marriage. Nor do they marry merely to get a roommate or coexist with somebody. Although the problem exists with both sexes, it is more likely that a wife will complain that her husband does not "open up," i.e., does not regularly share his daily experiences or inner life with her. On rare occasions this occurs because of anger or a deliberate desire to be distant. Sometimes, the tendency not to share experiences or feelings takes place because the husbands are modeling behavior that they saw at home. But with many men, the failure to share, engage in long conversations with their spouse, and the reluctance or discomfort when asked to offer detailed expression of feelings may be due to traits inherent in the male personality.
On the other hand, many men are sensitive to their feelings and are quite capable of "opening up," but don't routinely do so because it was not a "man thing" to do as they went through adolescent locker room experiences and post adolescence activities with their male buddies. In their present involvement in a committed male-female bond, however, they are fortunate enough to experience a relationship where closeness and sharing is relished by their partner. Sadly, however, due to lack of experience, they are not comfortable interacting along these lines, and do not actively search for this part of the relationship. In such situations, husbands can be encouraged to relate to their spouses on a more feeling level; this behavior can be reinforced by their wives so that eventually sharing will come more naturally to them. Although it is more usual for the man not share his experiences and feelings, and it is the wife who feels left out and alone, the problem of not sharing can affect either gender. For more information on this subject, please see "Thirteen Reasons Why Spouses Fail to Communicate" section 1b.
Is Marriage For Better or For Worse?
Although studies show that the majority of married people live longer, healthier and somewhat happier lives than singles, most people are sophisticated enough to realize that being in a committed relationship, or marriage, is not a bowl of cherries. And the mere act
of commitment or getting married is not an insurance policy for happiness. Fulfilling your responsibilities to your spouse, showing patience with his/her deficiencies, and seeking fulfillment of your own agenda as well as your spouse's agenda are among the most challenging tasks that society has devised for all who have chosen marriage. It does not come naturally. It takes skill, but it can be done!
Personal Growth, Closeness, And Fulfillment
If you are like most people when you first married, you did not have a complete understanding of your role or responsibilities as a spouse. Your perception of your true role as a husband or wife, and your highest aspirations for yourself in this new role expanded as you grew and matured, and as you gained more experience with your spouse. This growth occurred because the experience of living with another person provided you with a rich opportunity to learn about the realities of the marital relationship. The interchange of ideas that took place between you and your partner, sometimes lovingly and sometimes angrily, and the various forms of feedback that you gave each other in your attempts to fine-tune and improve the relationship contributed greatly to your understanding of your role as a husband or wife. Your role as a spouse will become even clearer to you over the years as you gain even more knowledge and understanding of what you are all about, what your partner is all about, and what a committed relationship is all about. But this greater knowledge and understanding will come about only if you have an open mind and if open channels of communication exist between you and your spouse.
As both of you improve in your capacity to share your life with each other, the distance that now exists between you and your spouse will be bridged. Eventually, both of you will recapture at a mature level the closeness and bonding that you felt during the heady days at the beginning of your relationship and which you were confident would continue for the rest of your life.
In the following paragraph, as in all previous paragraphs "he" and "she" are interchangeable.
If, in spite of a person's disillusionment, frustrations, and the pain that he has suffered in his marriage, if that person is still willing to invest time, effort and himself to meet the challenge of getting into marriage counseling and meeting his problems head-on, it may very well be because that individual believes with me that for all of its faults, the marital framework is still the best structure known to mankind within which people can grow in their ability to give and receive love, and develop selflessness, empathy and compassion for others. Moreover, within this framework, men and women can both achieve an abundance of satisfaction, support, and personal fulfillment, as well as children, if they so desire—all of which adds meaning to their lives, and ultimately deep happiness.
When individuals marry, they hope to grow together as they age, not grow apart. Their goal is to enjoy their lives with each other. For many people, it is hoped that this will take place within the context of sharing their hopes, thoughts, feelings and experiences (both happy and sad) with their lifelong partner/companion/friend/spouse.
Nonetheless, many husbands and wives complain that they feel lonely in the relationship. Clearly, people do not marry with the goal of feeling alone; they have already experienced this before marriage. Nor do they marry merely to get a roommate or coexist with somebody. Although the problem exists with both sexes, it is more likely that a wife will complain that her husband does not "open up," i.e., does not regularly share his daily experiences or inner life with her. On rare occasions this occurs because of anger or a deliberate desire to be distant. Sometimes, the tendency not to share experiences or feelings takes place because the husbands are modeling behavior that they saw at home. But with many men, the failure to share, engage in long conversations with their spouse, and the reluctance or discomfort when asked to offer detailed expression of feelings may be due to traits inherent in the male personality.
On the other hand, many men are sensitive to their feelings and are quite capable of "opening up," but don't routinely do so because it was not a "man thing" to do as they went through adolescent locker room experiences and post adolescence activities with their male buddies. In their present involvement in a committed male-female bond, however, they are fortunate enough to experience a relationship where closeness and sharing is relished by their partner. Sadly, however, due to lack of experience, they are not comfortable interacting along these lines, and do not actively search for this part of the relationship. In such situations, husbands can be encouraged to relate to their spouses on a more feeling level; this behavior can be reinforced by their wives so that eventually sharing will come more naturally to them. Although it is more usual for the man not share his experiences and feelings, and it is the wife who feels left out and alone, the problem of not sharing can affect either gender. For more information on this subject, please see "Thirteen Reasons Why Spouses Fail to Communicate" section 1b.
Is Marriage For Better or For Worse?
Although studies show that the majority of married people live longer, healthier and somewhat happier lives than singles, most people are sophisticated enough to realize that being in a committed relationship, or marriage, is not a bowl of cherries. And the mere act
Personal Growth, Closeness, And Fulfillment
If you are like most people when you first married, you did not have a complete understanding of your role or responsibilities as a spouse. Your perception of your true role as a husband or wife, and your highest aspirations for yourself in this new role expanded as you grew and matured, and as you gained more experience with your spouse. This growth occurred because the experience of living with another person provided you with a rich opportunity to learn about the realities of the marital relationship. The interchange of ideas that took place between you and your partner, sometimes lovingly and sometimes angrily, and the various forms of feedback that you gave each other in your attempts to fine-tune and improve the relationship contributed greatly to your understanding of your role as a husband or wife. Your role as a spouse will become even clearer to you over the years as you gain even more knowledge and understanding of what you are all about, what your partner is all about, and what a committed relationship is all about. But this greater knowledge and understanding will come about only if you have an open mind and if open channels of communication exist between you and your spouse.
As both of you improve in your capacity to share your life with each other, the distance that now exists between you and your spouse will be bridged. Eventually, both of you will recapture at a mature level the closeness and bonding that you felt during the heady days at the beginning of your relationship and which you were confident would continue for the rest of your life.
In the following paragraph, as in all previous paragraphs "he" and "she" are interchangeable.
If, in spite of a person's disillusionment, frustrations, and the pain that he has suffered in his marriage, if that person is still willing to invest time, effort and himself to meet the challenge of getting into marriage counseling and meeting his problems head-on, it may very well be because that individual believes with me that for all of its faults, the marital framework is still the best structure known to mankind within which people can grow in their ability to give and receive love, and develop selflessness, empathy and compassion for others. Moreover, within this framework, men and women can both achieve an abundance of satisfaction, support, and personal fulfillment, as well as children, if they so desire—all of which adds meaning to their lives, and ultimately deep happiness.
