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- A Glimpse Into Dr. Gross' Marriage Counseling and Communication Program
A Glimpse Into Dr. Gross' Marriage Counseling and Communication Program
- By Reuben Gross
- Published March 3, 2008
- Relationships , General Themes
- Unrated
Good Communicators Engage in Frank Discussions That Reveal Each Person's Needs/Desires/Agenda and Develop a Clear Understanding of How to Fulfill Each Other's Expectations
One part of my counseling program with couples involves setting a goal for both spouses to revive their love relationship. I do this, in part, by encouraging both parties to increase the alone-time that they spend with each other. More time together affords the couple a framework within which they can talk to each other in a relaxed setting on a regular basis so as to express their needs to each other, work on outstanding problems, head off future problems, express their feelings on a variety of subjects, and fine-tune the relationship. Further, more time together affords the couple an opportunity to plan and engage in mutually enjoyable activities.
Couples Are Introduced to Techniques Which Promote Self Knowledge and Reciprocal Understanding of Each Other's Needs, Desires, and Agenda
Spouses in a happy marriage seek pleasurable joint activities with each other as well as personal validation and satisfaction of their psychological needs. People marry to increase their happiness, not their misery. A person who marries hopes to attain, in marriage, satisfaction of those needs, desires, and expectations that cannot be satisfied as a single. What are those needs? Neither spouse can read the other person's mind, hence the need for constant communication and feedback on this subject.
Exploration is Followed by Self Revelation
This phase of the counseling program begins with honest self-exploration of each person's needs and what they desire from the relationship. Both members of the couple are asked to make a list of their expectations from each other. Having completed this task, they then engage in an interactive exercise in which each person reads one item at a time from his list of expectations. He will then ask his partner whether he/she considers this expectation reasonable and appropriate, and whether the partner is capable and willing to fulfill this particular request. This exercise will be elaborated upon later in this article.
Although both spouses may overlap greatly in their needs, e.g., to talk to each other and share their experiences and feelings, to have fun together, to get affection and sex, or to be told that they are loved or appreciated, they may have different priorities for these expectations and differing need-fulfillment frequencies or intensities. Further, since many of these expectations are taken for granted, they are rarely spelled out in advance by engaged couples; this is part of the hidden agenda. The hidden agenda in a relationship consists of expectations that have not been specified, discussed or spelled out in advance to the other party. The hidden agenda merits an elaborate explanation and will be discussed later in this article.
As noted in Benefit 3. above, good communicators know how to play two roles: when to talk and when to listen. Good "talkers" express their needs, and how they would like to have them fulfilled. Good "listeners" pay careful attention when their partners talk and do their best to remember what is said to them. The next step, of course, is for both spouses to take appropriate steps to satisfy their partner's appropriate needs and expectations.
Spouses Need to Know How to Fulfill Their Partner's Needs
As noted earlier, I give each person an exercise in which they express their needs to their partner. During this friendly exchange, I will ask the person who is expressing the need to spell out for their partner exactly how that need can best be fulfilled to her satisfaction and how often she wants it fulfilled. People differ in their needs as well as in the form or frequency with which those needs are to be fulfilled. For example, one woman might want her husband to tell her that he loves her every day, and another might say, "I know how you feel about me, so you could save it for a special occasion." Or, one wife may request that her husband tell her that she's beautiful one or more times a week, and another might say, "Tell it to me when I get dressed up."
One husband may ask for words of appreciation from his wife on a regular basis and may even make a list of his accomplishments or contributions for which he would like recognition and appreciation. Another husband might say he knows that he is appreciated or admired and doesn't have to hear it from his spouse. One husband may ask his wife to offer overt words and deeds to demonstrate her affection on a regular basis while another husband may not have that need at all.
Among other wishes, individuals frequently ask that their spouse make them their number
one priority, make time for more conversation, have more fun together, have more closeness and affection, have more space, give more support and reassurance, respect each other's feelings and opinions, engage in more frequent sex, and show more appreciation and admiration. Sometimes a spouse will ask for more freedom to engage in outside activities without their partner; and, especially in two career households, wives may ask for more participation by their husband in running the house and caring for the children.
After this exchange of information about the wishes and needs of each partner, I then encourage a commitment from each person to fulfill their spouse's reasonable and appropriate emotional and physical needs as a top priority in the relationship. Understandably, fulfillment of some needs requires sensitive negotiations between spouses. This is because of differing need levels of each partner, different skill levels, different timetables of the partners as well as the necessity to consider family schedules and other events.
Promoting Recognition and Appreciation
To further promote the strength of the marital relationship, I engage the couple in exercises that stimulate recognition and respect for each other's values, contributions and behaviors. For example, I ask each person to make a list of all of the things they like, admire or appreciate about their spouse. I then ask each person to make a list of their own personal qualities, the values that they stand for, and the contributions that they make to their partner, or to the nuclear or extended family for which they would like to get recognition and appreciation from their spouse. I then encourage each person to draw upon these lists and give their partner the appreciation and recognition as often as is appropriate, needed and wanted by his spouse.
Unexpressed Needs: The Hidden Agenda
Briefly, the phrase "hidden agenda" refers to those needs, desires or expectations that each person wishes to have fulfilled in a relationship, but which are not explicitly expressed, much less discussed with his partner. Often, the individual does not relate these expectations to his/her partner because he/she simply doesn't know what they are. Living apart is not the same as living together; living together is not the same as marriage; and marriage without children is not the same as marriage with children. Consequently, it is virtually impossible for an engaged individual to imagine every possible future scenario between spouses, and/or between the couple, their future children together, their children from previous marriages, their respective in-laws and friends. How then can a future bride or groom know exactly how they would want their spouse to behave in each situation, none of which has taken place yet? Since so many of these situations and expectations are yet to be born, they are hidden from each person's conscious mind and are, therefore, part of the hidden agenda.
At other times, the husband or bride-to-be may be very well aware of what he/she is looking for in a loving relationship but takes it for granted that his/her future spouse will fulfill those expectations without special mention or urging. For example, people generally assume that their future partner will always behave towards them with kindness and consideration. Clearly, these two highly desirable behaviors from one's spouse are an integral part of the normal healthy expectations that people take for granted when they marry. Accordingly, these expectations are not mentioned in advance and would constitute part of the unspoken marriage contract i.e., the hidden agenda. And yet, there are many marriages where kindness and consideration are sorely lacking. When such an unfortunate situation arises, it becomes incumbent upon each person to spell out exactly what he had in mind when he married, and help "shape" their partner thus bringing out the best behavior in him/her as per the unspoken marriage contract.
Since it is virtually impossible to spell out all of one's expectations in advance, everybody comes into a relationship with a hidden agenda. Not only are many of these expectations not mentioned to their partner in advance, but as noted above, a good part of these expectations might even be hidden from the person himself. Hence, the great need for each person to explore him/herself so that he may uncover his/her desires, hopes, and expectations from the marriage. Sometimes, it takes years before a person clarifies for himself exactly what he wants in the marriage.
Following this exercise in self exploration, there is a need for self-revelation so that each individual may reveal that specific agenda to their spouse. One aspect of my communication training program involves written assignments that helps each person accomplish both of these goals: uncover as much as possible of his hidden agenda, and convert it to an open agenda so that his spouse will be in a position to help him find fulfillment.
Couples Are Introduced to Techniques Which Promote Self Knowledge and Reciprocal Understanding of Each Other's Needs, Desires, and Agenda
Spouses in a happy marriage seek pleasurable joint activities with each other as well as personal validation and satisfaction of their psychological needs. People marry to increase their happiness, not their misery. A person who marries hopes to attain, in marriage, satisfaction of those needs, desires, and expectations that cannot be satisfied as a single. What are those needs? Neither spouse can read the other person's mind, hence the need for constant communication and feedback on this subject.
Exploration is Followed by Self Revelation
This phase of the counseling program begins with honest self-exploration of each person's needs and what they desire from the relationship. Both members of the couple are asked to make a list of their expectations from each other. Having completed this task, they then engage in an interactive exercise in which each person reads one item at a time from his list of expectations. He will then ask his partner whether he/she considers this expectation reasonable and appropriate, and whether the partner is capable and willing to fulfill this particular request. This exercise will be elaborated upon later in this article.
Although both spouses may overlap greatly in their needs, e.g., to talk to each other and share their experiences and feelings, to have fun together, to get affection and sex, or to be told that they are loved or appreciated, they may have different priorities for these expectations and differing need-fulfillment frequencies or intensities. Further, since many of these expectations are taken for granted, they are rarely spelled out in advance by engaged couples; this is part of the hidden agenda. The hidden agenda in a relationship consists of expectations that have not been specified, discussed or spelled out in advance to the other party. The hidden agenda merits an elaborate explanation and will be discussed later in this article.
As noted in Benefit 3. above, good communicators know how to play two roles: when to talk and when to listen. Good "talkers" express their needs, and how they would like to have them fulfilled. Good "listeners" pay careful attention when their partners talk and do their best to remember what is said to them. The next step, of course, is for both spouses to take appropriate steps to satisfy their partner's appropriate needs and expectations.
Spouses Need to Know How to Fulfill Their Partner's Needs
As noted earlier, I give each person an exercise in which they express their needs to their partner. During this friendly exchange, I will ask the person who is expressing the need to spell out for their partner exactly how that need can best be fulfilled to her satisfaction and how often she wants it fulfilled. People differ in their needs as well as in the form or frequency with which those needs are to be fulfilled. For example, one woman might want her husband to tell her that he loves her every day, and another might say, "I know how you feel about me, so you could save it for a special occasion." Or, one wife may request that her husband tell her that she's beautiful one or more times a week, and another might say, "Tell it to me when I get dressed up."
One husband may ask for words of appreciation from his wife on a regular basis and may even make a list of his accomplishments or contributions for which he would like recognition and appreciation. Another husband might say he knows that he is appreciated or admired and doesn't have to hear it from his spouse. One husband may ask his wife to offer overt words and deeds to demonstrate her affection on a regular basis while another husband may not have that need at all.
Among other wishes, individuals frequently ask that their spouse make them their number
After this exchange of information about the wishes and needs of each partner, I then encourage a commitment from each person to fulfill their spouse's reasonable and appropriate emotional and physical needs as a top priority in the relationship. Understandably, fulfillment of some needs requires sensitive negotiations between spouses. This is because of differing need levels of each partner, different skill levels, different timetables of the partners as well as the necessity to consider family schedules and other events.
Promoting Recognition and Appreciation
To further promote the strength of the marital relationship, I engage the couple in exercises that stimulate recognition and respect for each other's values, contributions and behaviors. For example, I ask each person to make a list of all of the things they like, admire or appreciate about their spouse. I then ask each person to make a list of their own personal qualities, the values that they stand for, and the contributions that they make to their partner, or to the nuclear or extended family for which they would like to get recognition and appreciation from their spouse. I then encourage each person to draw upon these lists and give their partner the appreciation and recognition as often as is appropriate, needed and wanted by his spouse.
Unexpressed Needs: The Hidden Agenda
Briefly, the phrase "hidden agenda" refers to those needs, desires or expectations that each person wishes to have fulfilled in a relationship, but which are not explicitly expressed, much less discussed with his partner. Often, the individual does not relate these expectations to his/her partner because he/she simply doesn't know what they are. Living apart is not the same as living together; living together is not the same as marriage; and marriage without children is not the same as marriage with children. Consequently, it is virtually impossible for an engaged individual to imagine every possible future scenario between spouses, and/or between the couple, their future children together, their children from previous marriages, their respective in-laws and friends. How then can a future bride or groom know exactly how they would want their spouse to behave in each situation, none of which has taken place yet? Since so many of these situations and expectations are yet to be born, they are hidden from each person's conscious mind and are, therefore, part of the hidden agenda.
At other times, the husband or bride-to-be may be very well aware of what he/she is looking for in a loving relationship but takes it for granted that his/her future spouse will fulfill those expectations without special mention or urging. For example, people generally assume that their future partner will always behave towards them with kindness and consideration. Clearly, these two highly desirable behaviors from one's spouse are an integral part of the normal healthy expectations that people take for granted when they marry. Accordingly, these expectations are not mentioned in advance and would constitute part of the unspoken marriage contract i.e., the hidden agenda. And yet, there are many marriages where kindness and consideration are sorely lacking. When such an unfortunate situation arises, it becomes incumbent upon each person to spell out exactly what he had in mind when he married, and help "shape" their partner thus bringing out the best behavior in him/her as per the unspoken marriage contract.
Since it is virtually impossible to spell out all of one's expectations in advance, everybody comes into a relationship with a hidden agenda. Not only are many of these expectations not mentioned to their partner in advance, but as noted above, a good part of these expectations might even be hidden from the person himself. Hence, the great need for each person to explore him/herself so that he may uncover his/her desires, hopes, and expectations from the marriage. Sometimes, it takes years before a person clarifies for himself exactly what he wants in the marriage.
Following this exercise in self exploration, there is a need for self-revelation so that each individual may reveal that specific agenda to their spouse. One aspect of my communication training program involves written assignments that helps each person accomplish both of these goals: uncover as much as possible of his hidden agenda, and convert it to an open agenda so that his spouse will be in a position to help him find fulfillment.
