- Home
- Relationships
- A Glimpse Into Dr. Gross' Marriage Counseling and Communication Program
- Home
- General Themes
- A Glimpse Into Dr. Gross' Marriage Counseling and Communication Program
A Glimpse Into Dr. Gross' Marriage Counseling and Communication Program
- By Reuben Gross
- Published March 3, 2008
- Relationships , General Themes
- Unrated
Good Communicators Resolve Problems Through Discussion And Constructive Arguing
As Long as The Discussants Deal With Each Other Respectfully, Arguing is a Good Thing.
Many people avoid bringing a problem to their partner's attention because they fear that an argument will evolve. As noted above, there is nothing wrong with arguing. An argument is simply a verbal exchange between two people with differing views of a situation or different solutions to a problem. When one person suggests "A" as the correct view or best solution, and the other presents "B", each tries to convince his partner that he is right. Think of a formal debate where each team does its best to present its own point of view and to demolish its opponent's arguments. At the end of the debate, not only are there no hard feelings, but the members of each team might even compliment their former opponents on how well they debated.
Something similar takes place in a couple relationship when both partners are effective communicators. The argument ends in a friendly manner, and often each person respects the other more than they did at the beginning of their argument. This is so because when a couple argues reasonably and constructively, each person will admire how his partner handled himself "under fire," and more importantly, each person will have learned something, for example, the strengths of his partner's point of view and the weaknesses of his own. In a friendly argument, there might come a time when one person is willing to relinquish his original position because he is convinced that his partner's assessment of the situation is more accurate or that his partner's solution is really better. At other times, both partners might relinquish their original position because of what they learned during the argument. At this point they will join hands in forming a third assessment or solution which incorporates the best of both partner's original positions.
Agreeing That They Agree, or Agreeing That They Disagree
If two people argue constructively,
when the argument is over, the chances are good that they will have resolved their conflict to each person's satisfaction. And in those situations where they did not find a solution, they will at least have come closer to an understanding of what is mutually acceptable. In such a scenario even if each person has not achieved his original goal, since both now have a good understanding of their partner's needs in the situation, both will be in an excellent position to work out a reasonable compromise. Therefore, the end result will be an approach they can both live with. In a worst case scenario, when there is no agreement or compromise in sight, good communicators will "agree to disagree" and plan to approach the problem at a future date with good will on both parts.
With Poor Communicators Arguments Become Fights And Problems Are Not Solved
With poor communicators, the arguers often fail to show respect for their partner or his/her position. They alienate each other by employing many of the nineteen negative behaviors referred to above. Furthermore, they lose sight of the original goal of addressing a particular problem and descend into personal attacks as they slug it out for control. At this point, they are no longer arguing, they are fighting. Unfortunately, the goal of finding a solution to the original problem has been lost in the scuffle and is now the farthest thing from each person's mind. The progression from argument to fight plunges both parties into a muddy pit which may include interrupting, shouting, not listening and name calling, among other insulting behaviors. Now, it is true that one person may correctly charge that the other person started the fight and that he was only reacting to his partner's provocative behavior. Does that make him guiltless? Not in my book. The sad fact is that once the slugfest begins, and both individuals are guilty of insulting and antagonistic behavior, neither can claim "clean hands." I frequently tell my clients, "Two wrongs don't make a right" and even if your partner did start the fight, how does it help the situation if you add fuel to the flame?
Many people avoid bringing a problem to their partner's attention because they fear that an argument will evolve. As noted above, there is nothing wrong with arguing. An argument is simply a verbal exchange between two people with differing views of a situation or different solutions to a problem. When one person suggests "A" as the correct view or best solution, and the other presents "B", each tries to convince his partner that he is right. Think of a formal debate where each team does its best to present its own point of view and to demolish its opponent's arguments. At the end of the debate, not only are there no hard feelings, but the members of each team might even compliment their former opponents on how well they debated.
Something similar takes place in a couple relationship when both partners are effective communicators. The argument ends in a friendly manner, and often each person respects the other more than they did at the beginning of their argument. This is so because when a couple argues reasonably and constructively, each person will admire how his partner handled himself "under fire," and more importantly, each person will have learned something, for example, the strengths of his partner's point of view and the weaknesses of his own. In a friendly argument, there might come a time when one person is willing to relinquish his original position because he is convinced that his partner's assessment of the situation is more accurate or that his partner's solution is really better. At other times, both partners might relinquish their original position because of what they learned during the argument. At this point they will join hands in forming a third assessment or solution which incorporates the best of both partner's original positions.
Agreeing That They Agree, or Agreeing That They Disagree
If two people argue constructively,
With Poor Communicators Arguments Become Fights And Problems Are Not Solved
With poor communicators, the arguers often fail to show respect for their partner or his/her position. They alienate each other by employing many of the nineteen negative behaviors referred to above. Furthermore, they lose sight of the original goal of addressing a particular problem and descend into personal attacks as they slug it out for control. At this point, they are no longer arguing, they are fighting. Unfortunately, the goal of finding a solution to the original problem has been lost in the scuffle and is now the farthest thing from each person's mind. The progression from argument to fight plunges both parties into a muddy pit which may include interrupting, shouting, not listening and name calling, among other insulting behaviors. Now, it is true that one person may correctly charge that the other person started the fight and that he was only reacting to his partner's provocative behavior. Does that make him guiltless? Not in my book. The sad fact is that once the slugfest begins, and both individuals are guilty of insulting and antagonistic behavior, neither can claim "clean hands." I frequently tell my clients, "Two wrongs don't make a right" and even if your partner did start the fight, how does it help the situation if you add fuel to the flame?
