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- A Glimpse Into Dr. Gross' Marriage Counseling and Communication Program
A Glimpse Into Dr. Gross' Marriage Counseling and Communication Program
- By Reuben Gross
- Published March 3, 2008
- Relationships , General Themes
- Unrated
Good Communicators Can Disagree, Yet Argue Respectfully And Constructively
Since each person is a unique individual, no two people are going to agree on everything. When disagreements arise, it is common for each person to be convinced of the merit of his position and to try to convince his partner that his/her version of the truth, or solution to the problem, is the appropriate one to follow. And so, an argument ensues; but is an argument necessarily bad? I don't think so. Arguments are good as long as both parties argue respectfully and in good faith. Such an argument does not degrade to a power struggle or fight.
In a respectful argument, the couple gains much from the exchange of ideas because each partner is open to learning from the other, wants to work as a team member, and considers solving the problem the primary goal. In a healthy relationship, the individuals are motivated towards the goal of solving the problem because each person is sensitive to the other's needs, wants to please his partner as well as him/herself and understands the importance of resolving the problem and the danger of letting it fester. Further, such a couple also understands that if the suggested solution is the result of a joint effort, it is more likely that both parties will do their best to cooperate in bringing about the agreed upon solution.
Training a Couple to Argue Respectfully
One part of my communication program exposes you and your spouse to nineteen positive communication behaviors. Utilizing these modes of behavior will ensure a constructive argument and greatly increase your chances of successfully resolving the problem when either of you presents a new complaint to your partner, or when you are discussing or arguing about a problem that is already known to you.
You will also be taught to avoid the (opposite) nineteen negative communication behaviors. The negative behaviors on this list are virtually guaranteed to antagonize your partner, place a barrier between the two of you, degrade what could be a constructive argument into a fight, and push the solution and satisfaction that you both seek farther away. Most of these negative behaviors are employed regularly by distressed couples, and may be familiar to you and your spouse. As I review each item on this list with couples in therapy with me, there is universal agreement that each of these negative behaviors is a barrier to good communication, problem- resolution and relationship-building. Examples of negative behaviors during an argument include: not listening, raising one's voice angrily, interrupting,
putting the other person down, not admitting the truth, and avoiding one's partner.
When training you and your spouse to argue respectfully I will have the following three goals in mind:
1. Teach you the nineteen positive behaviors that will keep an argument on track, and elaborate the nineteen negative behaviors that are destructive to successful arguing.
2. Get both of you to formally commit to strive for a standard of zero tolerance for the nineteen negative behaviors when arguing with each other. Understandably, nobody is perfect and we all slip from time to time. Nevertheless, to the extent that you will adhere to this disciplined approach, you will greatly enhance your efforts to argue in a friendly fashion and change the emotional climate of your home.
3. Encourage both of you to accept the role of "referee", "coach" or "instructor" so that each of you will monitor yourself as well as your partner for breaches of the accepted "rules of engagement" that you both agree to follow.
Instructions to referee: If the referee catches himself raising his voice or violating any other rule during the course of an argument, he is required to "blow the whistle" on himself, acknowledge his error and apologize for what he did wrong. Only then may he continue to elaborate the points he wishes to make. If the referee catches his partner violating one of the rules, he is to tactfully tell his partner that he is "blowing the whistle" on her or that she "just broke one of the rules." The etiquette then requires the violator to graciously accept the referee's corrections, apologize for her antagonistic behavior and thank her referee for his help in getting the discussion/argument back on track. Both partners are asked to play the role of referee every time the couple gets into an argument.
Since spouses do not take easily to criticism from their partners, especially when in the midst of an argument, I try to make the coach's correction of his partner's violation palatable. I do this by suggesting to my clients that they place their spouse's corrective comments in the same category as getting feedback from their hypothetical tennis or golf instructor; or from their hypothetical personal trainer while they are exercising under his supervision at their favorite gym. If their instructor or trainer corrects them, would they get angry? Or would they say "Thank you. It works better this way." Accordingly, they should understand that in the present situation, their spouse's corrective coaching helps them become a more friendly arguer and therefore a more effective communicator. The "coach" is doing his partner a favor and deserves to be thanked for his service!
In a respectful argument, the couple gains much from the exchange of ideas because each partner is open to learning from the other, wants to work as a team member, and considers solving the problem the primary goal. In a healthy relationship, the individuals are motivated towards the goal of solving the problem because each person is sensitive to the other's needs, wants to please his partner as well as him/herself and understands the importance of resolving the problem and the danger of letting it fester. Further, such a couple also understands that if the suggested solution is the result of a joint effort, it is more likely that both parties will do their best to cooperate in bringing about the agreed upon solution.
Training a Couple to Argue Respectfully
One part of my communication program exposes you and your spouse to nineteen positive communication behaviors. Utilizing these modes of behavior will ensure a constructive argument and greatly increase your chances of successfully resolving the problem when either of you presents a new complaint to your partner, or when you are discussing or arguing about a problem that is already known to you.
You will also be taught to avoid the (opposite) nineteen negative communication behaviors. The negative behaviors on this list are virtually guaranteed to antagonize your partner, place a barrier between the two of you, degrade what could be a constructive argument into a fight, and push the solution and satisfaction that you both seek farther away. Most of these negative behaviors are employed regularly by distressed couples, and may be familiar to you and your spouse. As I review each item on this list with couples in therapy with me, there is universal agreement that each of these negative behaviors is a barrier to good communication, problem- resolution and relationship-building. Examples of negative behaviors during an argument include: not listening, raising one's voice angrily, interrupting,
When training you and your spouse to argue respectfully I will have the following three goals in mind:
1. Teach you the nineteen positive behaviors that will keep an argument on track, and elaborate the nineteen negative behaviors that are destructive to successful arguing.
2. Get both of you to formally commit to strive for a standard of zero tolerance for the nineteen negative behaviors when arguing with each other. Understandably, nobody is perfect and we all slip from time to time. Nevertheless, to the extent that you will adhere to this disciplined approach, you will greatly enhance your efforts to argue in a friendly fashion and change the emotional climate of your home.
3. Encourage both of you to accept the role of "referee", "coach" or "instructor" so that each of you will monitor yourself as well as your partner for breaches of the accepted "rules of engagement" that you both agree to follow.
Instructions to referee: If the referee catches himself raising his voice or violating any other rule during the course of an argument, he is required to "blow the whistle" on himself, acknowledge his error and apologize for what he did wrong. Only then may he continue to elaborate the points he wishes to make. If the referee catches his partner violating one of the rules, he is to tactfully tell his partner that he is "blowing the whistle" on her or that she "just broke one of the rules." The etiquette then requires the violator to graciously accept the referee's corrections, apologize for her antagonistic behavior and thank her referee for his help in getting the discussion/argument back on track. Both partners are asked to play the role of referee every time the couple gets into an argument.
Since spouses do not take easily to criticism from their partners, especially when in the midst of an argument, I try to make the coach's correction of his partner's violation palatable. I do this by suggesting to my clients that they place their spouse's corrective comments in the same category as getting feedback from their hypothetical tennis or golf instructor; or from their hypothetical personal trainer while they are exercising under his supervision at their favorite gym. If their instructor or trainer corrects them, would they get angry? Or would they say "Thank you. It works better this way." Accordingly, they should understand that in the present situation, their spouse's corrective coaching helps them become a more friendly arguer and therefore a more effective communicator. The "coach" is doing his partner a favor and deserves to be thanked for his service!
