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- A Glimpse Into Dr. Gross' Marriage Counseling and Communication Program
A Glimpse Into Dr. Gross' Marriage Counseling and Communication Program
- By Reuben Gross
- Published March 3, 2008
- Relationships , General Themes
- Unrated
Reuben Gross
Dr. Reuben Gross' Credentials:
New Jersey Board of Psychological Examiners License to Practice Psychology #851.
New Jersey Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #139.
Diplomate in Clinical Psychology, American Board of Professional Psychology.
Member of the American Psychological Association.
Member of the New Jersey Psychological Association.
Clinical Member, American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
Clinical Member, NJ Chapter of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
Fellow, American Academy of Clinical Psychology
Six Important Benefits of Good Communication
Good communication will help you Enhance Positive and
Decrease Negative interactions with your partner by enabling both of you to:
1. Avoid Misunderstandings, Fights and Emotional Distance
2. Disagree, Yet Argue Respectfully and Constructively
3. Know When and How to Talk, and When and How to Listen
4. Resolve Problems Through Discussion
5. Engage in Frank Discussions in Which Each of You a) Reveals to Your Partner Your Agenda of Needs,Wishes, and Expectations and b) Develops a Clear Understanding of How to Fulfill This Agenda to Your Partner's Satisfaction
6. Share Your Life With Your Spouse in Love, Companionship and Bonding
1. Good Communicators Avoid Misunderstandings, Unacceptable Behaviors, Fights and Separation
One of the goals of marriage counseling is to reduce the number and intensity of hurtful verbal and behavioral interactions. When tensions are high between two people because of internal problems in the relationship such as unmet expectations, unresolved differences, insensitive, controlling, insulting or other negative behaviors, there tends to be a corollary increase in misunderstandings, friction, fights and emotional withdrawal. Additionally, when tensions are high in the lives of one or both members of the couple for reasons external to their relationship, e.g., problems with a family member or career, many people tend to "let it all out" at home and discharge their irritated feelings onto their spouse. In such circumstances, when nerves are "shot," tensions rise, misunderstandings increase in frequency and many individuals become short-tempered and get angry at each other with very little provocation.
Effective Communicators Avoid Problems With Their Mates
When effective communicators experience problems in their personal lives, they may become anxious, worried, edgy or even irritable but they will avoid a deterioration of their relationship with their partner or mate. This is so because it is normal for effective communicators to discuss their personal problems with their spouse and enlist his/her emotional support. Instead of seeing their partner as one more irritant or problem to be dealt with, they look upon him/her as a source of comfort and strength. Effective communicators see their spouse as part of the solution rather than as part of the problem. Such a positive attitude towards one's mate reduces the chances for misunderstandings and friction.
Poor Communicators Create Problems With Their Mates
With
poor communicators, the opposite is true. When tensions rise, closely involved individuals who communicate poorly have a tendency to "press each other's buttons" or "rub each other the wrong way," thereby creating friction and even more tension. Consequently, even when there is no problem, misunderstandings take place and problems arise out of nowhere. And even when they try to solve their conflicts, not only don't poor communicators solve the original conflict or complaint, but they alienate each other early in the discussion/argument, turn it into a fight and end up angrier and worse off than they were before the discussion began. This alienation has a ripple effect and leads to the next problem which is avoiding the discussion of problems altogether.
Poor Communicators Let Problems Grow
Poor communicators either blow up at each other when a problem arises, or have come to a point of exhaustion and have stopped fighting, but unfortunately have also stopped trying to solve their problems. In the latter scenario, they simply do not talk to each other about substantive matters. Consequently, neither will approach the other to forestall an anticipated problem. Additionally, they will shun discussions of existing problems as well as avoid bringing a new complaint to their partner's attention. They have little hope that discussing the matter will help, and worse, they fear that a fight will evolve Once a couple reaches such a point of resignation, they let problems grow and fester thus bringing about more frustration, hurt and anger —which is sometimes submerged until it reaches explosive force-- as both individuals grow farther and farther apart. This alienation between spouses promotes a vicious cycle since it is now even harder for each person to discuss his unhappiness in the relationship with his growingly distant and apparently uncaring partner.
The vicious cycle is maintained because such couples have little hope and even less motivation to seek a solution to their problems to the satisfaction of both; so they don't even try. I have met many couples who have not only given up fighting but who have also given up talking about anything important for years before coming for therapy. Clearly, couples are not going to solve their problems by adopting a policy of not talking about them. This approach amounts to throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
I have also seen many of the aforementioned couples make dramatic changes in their relationship during the course of marriage counseling. Understandably, these changes do not come about by an easy wave of the counselor's magic wand. It takes hard work, focus, conscientious efforts and good will on the part of both parties to bring about substantial change in a relationship. But it can be done!
Decrease Negative interactions with your partner by enabling both of you to:
1. Avoid Misunderstandings, Fights and Emotional Distance
2. Disagree, Yet Argue Respectfully and Constructively
3. Know When and How to Talk, and When and How to Listen
4. Resolve Problems Through Discussion
5. Engage in Frank Discussions in Which Each of You a) Reveals to Your Partner Your Agenda of Needs,Wishes, and Expectations and b) Develops a Clear Understanding of How to Fulfill This Agenda to Your Partner's Satisfaction
6. Share Your Life With Your Spouse in Love, Companionship and Bonding
1. Good Communicators Avoid Misunderstandings, Unacceptable Behaviors, Fights and Separation
One of the goals of marriage counseling is to reduce the number and intensity of hurtful verbal and behavioral interactions. When tensions are high between two people because of internal problems in the relationship such as unmet expectations, unresolved differences, insensitive, controlling, insulting or other negative behaviors, there tends to be a corollary increase in misunderstandings, friction, fights and emotional withdrawal. Additionally, when tensions are high in the lives of one or both members of the couple for reasons external to their relationship, e.g., problems with a family member or career, many people tend to "let it all out" at home and discharge their irritated feelings onto their spouse. In such circumstances, when nerves are "shot," tensions rise, misunderstandings increase in frequency and many individuals become short-tempered and get angry at each other with very little provocation.
Effective Communicators Avoid Problems With Their Mates
When effective communicators experience problems in their personal lives, they may become anxious, worried, edgy or even irritable but they will avoid a deterioration of their relationship with their partner or mate. This is so because it is normal for effective communicators to discuss their personal problems with their spouse and enlist his/her emotional support. Instead of seeing their partner as one more irritant or problem to be dealt with, they look upon him/her as a source of comfort and strength. Effective communicators see their spouse as part of the solution rather than as part of the problem. Such a positive attitude towards one's mate reduces the chances for misunderstandings and friction.
Poor Communicators Create Problems With Their Mates
With
Poor Communicators Let Problems Grow
Poor communicators either blow up at each other when a problem arises, or have come to a point of exhaustion and have stopped fighting, but unfortunately have also stopped trying to solve their problems. In the latter scenario, they simply do not talk to each other about substantive matters. Consequently, neither will approach the other to forestall an anticipated problem. Additionally, they will shun discussions of existing problems as well as avoid bringing a new complaint to their partner's attention. They have little hope that discussing the matter will help, and worse, they fear that a fight will evolve Once a couple reaches such a point of resignation, they let problems grow and fester thus bringing about more frustration, hurt and anger —which is sometimes submerged until it reaches explosive force-- as both individuals grow farther and farther apart. This alienation between spouses promotes a vicious cycle since it is now even harder for each person to discuss his unhappiness in the relationship with his growingly distant and apparently uncaring partner.
The vicious cycle is maintained because such couples have little hope and even less motivation to seek a solution to their problems to the satisfaction of both; so they don't even try. I have met many couples who have not only given up fighting but who have also given up talking about anything important for years before coming for therapy. Clearly, couples are not going to solve their problems by adopting a policy of not talking about them. This approach amounts to throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
I have also seen many of the aforementioned couples make dramatic changes in their relationship during the course of marriage counseling. Understandably, these changes do not come about by an easy wave of the counselor's magic wand. It takes hard work, focus, conscientious efforts and good will on the part of both parties to bring about substantial change in a relationship. But it can be done!
