I am a Licensed Psychotherapist and Parenting Coach in Yardley, Pa. I specialize in working with parents on various parenting struggles and questions. I am a Certified Parenting Instructor through STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting). My articles have been published in many local newspapers. For years, parenting experts have advised us to use tools such as reward and punishment to discipline our children. That seemed to make sense. It was logical. If we want our children to exhibit a certain behavior, reward them. Give them a treat. Give them a clear incentive to follow direction, get good grades, respect their elders, etc. Naturally, it follows that to stop unwanted behavior we should “punish” our children. We yell, spank, threaten and over-react to send a very clear message to our young ones that this is a behavior we ought not see again. Does this method of discipline work? Maybe for a moment, but at a high cost.
For years, parenting experts have advised us to use tools such as reward and punishment to discipline our children. That seemed to make sense. It was logical. If we want our children to exhibit a certain behavior, reward them. Give them a treat. Give them a clear incentive to follow direction, get good grades, respect their elders, etc. Naturally, it follows that to stop unwanted behavior we should “punish” our children. We yell, spank, threaten and over-react to send a very clear message to our young ones that this is a behavior we ought not see again. Does this method of discipline work? Maybe for a moment, but at a high cost.
Reward doesn’t work because, simply put, it teaches children that they are entitled to payment for their cooperation. Therefore, they behave to get something. Punishment doesn’t work because it is an attack on self-esteem. Your relationship with your child becomes a relationship based on fear. It invites rebellion. Reward and punishment teaches our children to expect an adult to be responsible for his/her behavior. Our goal as parents is to guide our children toward self-discipline. We need to remove ourselves from the “good guy/ bad guy” role and be free to be our children’s confidants, supporters and role models.
So if we remove reward and punishment, what do we put in its place? The key to effective discipline is to establish mutual respect and to expect cooperation. Children deserve our respect. As we respect them, they will return the favor. Involving children through choices and consequences is essential to effective discipline. Teaching children that they, not us, are in charge of their lives can’t happen early enough. We struggle in this society with the “don’t blame me” mentality because from our earliest experiences, we have been taught to rely on others to tell us how to behave. We look to others to reward us when we’re good, punish us when we’re not. Imagine a world in which we took personal responsibility for our lives, our choices, and our destiny. That world is possible if we can change the way we discipline children.
Giving children choices encourages cooperation, helps them to build self-esteem and develop independence. Giving children simple choices respects their desire for control AND your desire to keep order in your home. Set limits. But provide choices within the limits. By doing this, we encourage children to develop internal control.
Examples for young children
This is the last book we’ll be reading tonight. Would you like mommy to read it or daddy?
It’s time to get in your pajamas. Do you want the red ones or blue ones?
It’s time to put your shoes on. Would you like to wear your boots or your sneakers today?
It’s time for bed. Would you like to brush your teeth first or use the potty first?
Examples for adolescents
You must clean your room this weekend. What time this weekend would work best for you?
I need to talk with you tonight while you are at your friend’s house. Would you like me to call there or would you prefer to call me? What time would be best for you?
I need you to help with chores this weekend. Here is a list of what needs to get done. How would you like to split it up? What time on Sunday would work with your schedule?
Giving children freedom to choose significantly reduces power struggles. It sends a clear message that you respect them, their needs, and their need to have a say in their own lives. Children, like adults, don’t like to feel controlled. If you can avoid power struggles, you are much more likely to get what you need from your kids.
Keeping emotion (especially anger) out of consequences, avoids turning consequences into punishment. We all make choices in our lives and have consequences. Children are no different. If they won’t clean up the toys, they can’t play with them the next day. Keep it simple, no angry fits or outbursts on your end, just follow-through. Your daughter can’t seem to find the time to clean her room? Don’t find the time to take her to the mall. Parents have great power. You don’t need to yell, scream, hit or threaten to get your point across. The damage you are doing to the relationship just isn’t worth it. Discipline through choices and consequences, avoid power struggles, and allow choices within limits. These methods will teach your children to behave, build their belief in themselves, and give them a sense of personal responsibility that will last a lifetime.
Robin Kevles-Necowitz is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Yardley, PA. She specializes in parenting issues. You may reach her at 215-321-4411 or kevnec@aol.com