It's not unusual for one marriage, especially during times of conflict, to be really two marriages ? his and hers. Couples often view their relationship through completely different lenses. One partner has the uncanny ability to see things "as they really are", while the other is biased. One partner is perfectly sane, while the other, well let's just say, "the other has problems."

To clarify these different perspectives, first I will focus on how women typically experience marital conflict. Then it will be the men's version.

THE WOMEN'S VERSION

"They married and lived happily ever after." Though a woman wouldn't admit to believing in such fairy tale endings, in real life, conflicts often originate and are perpetuated because "the relationship has changed" or "it's not the way it used to be."

Women generally vocalize the problem first. They want to "work on the marriage." They initiate "getting help." They are disenchanted with the relationship. She often feels emotionally distant, misunderstood, or not appreciated. She is troubled that they do not spend enough time together, or there is little communication, or he doesn't follow through on his promises. Or perhaps it's the lack of sexual intimacy. Or issues with money, parenting or relatives. Or not telling her the truth.

She questions why the relationship can't be better. Why doesn't he listen? Why doesn't he spend more time with me? Why doesn't he treat me special, the way he used to? Why doesn't he "get it"?

Some days she finds fault with everything he does. Other days she feels she's the one at fault. Maybe she's asking for too much. Maybe she's being too critical. Maybe if she acted differently, he would be different. Perhaps if she didn't confront him about things, he wouldn't be so defensive. Give him hints, rather than keep hounding him. Talk to him lovingly rather than critically. Maybe then, he'll get the message. And she'll stop feeling so lonely, so disappointed.

Her frustration increases as she continues to obsess about the problems in the relationship. At times she feels like a nag, constantly reminding him to do things that he puts off. Other times she feels like a plaintiff, accusing him of not caring, not understanding, not listening. Then there are the days she feels like his mother, explaining to him what he's doing wrong, scolding him for what he neglected to do. The worst days, however, are those in which she feels like a madwoman, yelling, screaming, crying, silently admitting to herself that she really is out-of-control. She detests being in these roles. It makes her feel awful about herself. Yet, what else can she do?

Their communication goes nowhere. They keep reaching an impasse. She feels discounted. Rather than listening to her, he views her as unreasonable, hysterical, excessively critical or a control freak. In response to this, she backs off. But does he address any of the issues on his own? No way! Now she's twice as frustrated. Nothing seems to work.

Exasperated, she turns to her friends. They listen to her, they understand her, they support her. They are her allies. Her feelings of craziness recede. She feels better for the moment. Still, there's no resolution in sight. She feels more stumped. And more alienated.

It's a struggle to resolve marital conflict. And it's particularly tough when each person has a different perspective on the situation. Now for the men's version.

THE MEN'S VERSION
Despite the women's gripes, many men are apparently content with their marriages. They don't seek to make any major change. They just wish their wives didn't complain so much. They often don't understand what the problem is. (It seems that not much has changed since Freud quizzically asked, "What do women want?")

Generally, a man's initial reaction to a woman's complaint is to defend himself. This is accomplished by either denying what she says ("It's not true") or admitting it but creating a palatable reason for it. ("Of course, I want to be with you. But you know how busy I am with work.")

In addition to defending himself, he may try to console his wife, believing that he is helping to resolve the problem as he does this. He tries to put things in perspective. He tells her to look at the bright side of things. He says he is trying. He wants her to look at all he has done, not only at what he hasn't done.

He masks his emotions, priding himself on his ability to counter her critique in a rational manner. He believes that if he were to react to a female storm of fury, it would only make things worse. Fearing that he'll get angry, lose control, or say things he'll later regret, he says little. Better to remain strong, steadfast and ride out the storm.

Oh, if only this approach worked! Unfortunately, however, it more often escalates her grievances. She hates his impenetrability. It's such a barrier! What else could he mean by it other than an arrogant refusal to take her seriously? She feels discounted. Powerless. Helpless. What more can she do to get him to understand what she needs from him?

As her frustration escalates, her accusations turn increasingly provocative. She becomes indignant and furious with him. Her resentment, he now realizes, has no expiration date. She stays angry about things that he can barely remember happening. It seems so unfair to him. He doesn't know what to do. But one thing he does know ?he cannot respond to her, or reason with her, or even talk to her whenever she goes ballistic like this.

From her side, she's not proud of going ballistic, but she feels that he has driven her to it. His accumulated silences. His overcompensating control. His slippery lies. His feeble excuses. What's a woman to do? She's told him so many times what she wants. What she needs. Still, he doesn't get it. He pays more attention to TV, computer, golf, work, sleep, whatever -- than he does to her.

What's a couple to do when hurt, anger and resentment permeate their relationship? What does it take to change the dance they do so naturally, despite its unhappy aftermath? For the answer to these questions, read on.

THE WAY OUT

When Mars and Venus's versions of conflict are like night and day, what's a couple to do? Remain stuck in a rut or search for a way out?

The way out of psychological ruts is to gain insight into how you got into the rut and how to move out of it. This section will provide you with ideas to help you do just that.

But first, you must approach the problem with the rational part of your brain, not the emotional part. You need to put aside your righteous indignation, cast off your pre-judgments and renounce your resentments.

Now with an open frame of mind, here are a few suggestions that I hope will be of service:

1. Adopt a different attitude. Sure when your partner pushes your button, you react. You defend yourself. You attack. You ridicule. You become indignant. Instead, slow down. Don't react immediately. Take a deep breath. And espouse a spirit of:
       Inquiry and Curiosity (Ask questions and listen non-defensively as your partner explains
        why she feels the way she does, why he acts the way he does.)
      Tolerance (Agree to disagree without the certainty that you're right and he's wrong.)
      Enlightenment (Let the conflict teach you something new about yourself and your partner.)

2. React less intensely to the negative things that your partner does. He did something that bothered you. Do you act as though what he did is a minor offense, a misdemeanor, a felony or deserving of capital punishment? Do you get annoyed, angry or outraged? Can you accept him as he really is or do you demand that he must be the way you want him to be? Your assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to moderate your response without letting resentment fester inside.

3. Avoid cross-complaining. If she arrives home with a complaint about her day, don't get into a pissing contest with her as to who had the rougher day. When a grievance is brought to the table, do not bring up your own complaint. If you do, it will seem to be a distraction and neither party will end up feeling satisfied. First, address your partner's issue. Once you reach closure on that, then you can grumble about whatever you want. Or perhaps, by that time, you won't even need to.

4. Do not minimize gender differences. Men's and women's brains really are different. They think, feel, act and interpret events in disparate ways. If you're telling a story and he wants you to get to the bottom line tout de suite and you're put off because you're not finished with the details of your saga, know that this is not because your husband is a swine, has no patience, or has the attention span of a flea. It's simply a guy thing. And guys, your wife's need to tell you every element of the story is not because she's a drama queen, demands to be in the spotlight or wants to make your life miserable. It's simply that she takes pleasure in the richness of the details. It's a woman thing.

5. Be generous in your interpretation of your partner's behavior. Yup, he leaves his socks on the floor. And doesn't put the towel back on the rack. And leaves the toilet seat up. Is this because he wants you to be his maid? Or he doesn't care about what you want? Well, maybe. But it's much more likely that he does it because he's careless, tired, easygoing or a natural born slob. If he lived by himself, he'd do the same thing. Doesn't that prove that he's not doing it to you? I'm not saying you have to like it, but if you put the worst possible interpretation on your partner's behavior, you will be more upset than you need to be, without making anything one bit better.

Most people focus on the question, "How can I get my partner to change?" However, more valuable queries are, "How can understand this conflict better?" "What can I do to change the relationship?" or "How can we work together to create a good resolution?"

Hopefully, this article has provided you with useful ideas. To put these ideas into practice, however, is difficult. Many couples reach an impasse that they can't seem to get beyond. If that's true for you, don't hesitate to invest your time, money and energy in couple therapy. It may be the best investment you ever make.

                                       Copyright, 2005.