As a child of abusive parents, you are faced with a terrible dilemma. If you disown your abusive family, you become an orphan. If you belong to your abusive family, you implicitly condone the abuse. By not forgiving yourself, you are choosing to be part of the family. You are also seeing yourself as deserving of the abuse they meted out, and denying that you are worthy of the love of others. (You used to tell me I was crazy for loving you!) As you gradually became ready to accept love from others and forgive yourself, you also became ready to let go of your birth family by forgiving them.

You ask if all criminals and abusers are, emotionally, young children, if any of them have real choices? Certainly, it is true that criminals and abusers are emotionally young children. However, while we do not condemn children for destructive acts, neither do we allow them to continue doing them. We try to help them find better ways to get their needs met. We need to do our utmost to prevent abuse even while we have empathy for the abuser.

Lois, you have worked harder and grown more in therapy than anyone I know. Almost every therapist who has worked with you has commented on how hard you work. Many, many people love you. I am proud of you, and proud of the work I did with you. Once I had a client who said she was my work of art. When I told you that, you said that, if she was my work of art, you were my magnum opus! Indeed, you are. I love you! Daddy