Over some time, I’d been reading about “reparenting” in the writings of Eric Berne and others. I was also impressed by an M.A. thesis on “Gentle Reparenting” by Jeanne Alvin (Goddard College, 1987). You seemed the ideal candidate. After some discussion, we mutually decided to try. It started as an office procedure, but it became more and more real. We were drawn to each other by many common interests and values, as well as the overwhelming struggle we were engaged in, to say nothing of the enormous number of hours we spent together. Gradually, I became “Daddy” outside the office as well as in. In the office, you were able to regress to infancy, sitting on my lap (mighty big baby!) and drinking a bottle. Outside, we went to the zoo, and did other “age appropriate” activities. However, as you “grew up“, it became clear that we had to choose between our two relationships, therapy and parenting. We chose the latter. You went on to a series of other therapists, but we continued the father-daughter relationship we still have today. A few years ago, we formalized it in a Native American “Hunka” (The Making of Relatives) ceremony.

It is often said that those who are abused become abusers. That is a misinterpretation of the statistics. While abusers usually have a history of having been abused, it is not true that most of those who have been abused become abusers. Nevertheless, most of those who have been abused as severely and sadistically as you continue the cycle, according to experts we have consulted. Furthermore, few of those who are not abusers are self sustaining, contributing members of society. They are addicted, in prisons or mental hospitals, or, at best, on disability. You have never felt revengeful, even in your imagination. After your memories returned, you were never able to visualize your father in any activity such as hitting a punching balloon. You said then (and still say) you don’t want to dehumanize people as your parents did to you. Indeed, you are a miracle!

Should you forgive your parents? How can you forgive yourself? A lot depends on what you mean by “forgive”. Of course, you cannot and do not condone what your parents did. However, anyone who has been abused has an enormous well of unexpressed feelings that are controlled by muscle tension. These cause a myriad of symptoms including headaches, arthritis, digestive problems, depression, and anxiety. The list goes on and on. After giving yourself permission to have and express the rage and anguish they produced in you: We screamed, threw playdoh, pushed pillows, and broke garage-sale china. We also had a ritual mourning ceremony for all the animals, real and stuffed, that you were made to kill with your present teddy bears as witnesses. Eventually and gradually you worked through many difficult feelings and are able to go on with your life with fewer periods of haunting flashbacks. “Eventually” is a key word here. A rapid or superficial decision to forgive puts premature closure on a situation, denies your own feelings, and interferes with forgiving yourself.