Top Six Things Kids Want After The Divorce
http://www.therapist-psychologist.com/psychology_article/articles/216/1/Top-Six-Things-Kids-Want-After-The-Divorce/Page1.html
Steven Griggs, Ph.D.
I've been an outpatient psychologist for 24 years. I work with many conditions every day, including relationships, self-esteem, work, assertiveness, children's behavior, anxiety and depression. I started writing ebooks on these subjects, which helped people change without therapy, but greatly speeded up therapy, too. To let people know about what I've written, people said I should write aritcles, which are like snippets of the full-blown ebook, which is available on my website.
Dr. Griggs By Steven Griggs, Ph.D.
Published on November 7, 2009
What do kids want when their parents divorce?
They might list a bunch of "things" but what they
really want are "conditions." This is Part II
of a two-part series that summarizes what kids
want after their parents separate. Written by a
psychologist.
They might list a bunch of "things" but what they
really want are "conditions." This is Part II
of a two-part series that summarizes what kids
want after their parents separate. Written by a
psychologist.
Kids and Divorce
Top Six Things Kids Want After The Divorce
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have
worked with children of all ages for over twenty years.
Usually parents drag their kids into my office complaining
of a litany of bad behaviors, ranging from not cleaning up
their rooms, to getting bad grades, hitting their siblings,
or worse, stealing, fighting or doing drugs. I work with
parents to change their children's behavior. It is very
helpful for the parents to know their children's experiences.
This and the previous article address what the child thinks
about the divorce and what s/he wants afterwards. Please
read the previous article in this series before reading
this one.
Children want to feel:
1) Safe and secure. Children want to be able to count on
their parents. Children of divorce have already felt the upset
of having people let them down, and may not be eager to give
second chances to their parents or stepparents.
2) Loved. Kids like to see and feel your affection, although
it should be a gradual process.
3) Seen and Valued. Kids often feel unimportant or invisible
when it comes to decision making in the new blended family.
Recognize their integral role in the family when you are making
decisions.
4) Heard and be emotionally connected. Kids are eager for real
connection and understanding. Creating an honest and open
environment free of judgment will help them feel heard. Show
them that you can view the situation from their perspective.
5) Appreciated and encouraged. Children of all ages respond to
praise and encouragement and like to feel appreciated for their
contribution.
Further, and this is number six, children need limits and boundaries. This is
often overlooked or ignored because parents think that when they
set limits, they are going to have more conflict. Parents think
there is already enough of that! Children may not think they need
limits or even want them. After all, the family configuration
has just changed and they might have something of a free-for-all,
getting more of what they want because the parent's relationship
is in a state of disarray. However, psychologically, a lack of
boundaries sends a signal that the child is unworthy of the
parents' time, care and attention. Paradoxically, when children
know their limits, their anxiety goes down, not up. This seems
counterintuitive, but when boundaries and limits are clear,
children know the safe zones, so they can let their guards down.
There is more certainty, so less need to figure it out. They relax.
They also reduce or even stop testing parents. They know there
will be consequences. All of this produces better-behaved kids.
The divorce of parents is a major life event, and it is
something a child will be coping with, in some cases for life.
Even adults may face thorny issues when parents divorce,
particularly concerning the changed relationship they will have
with each parent. Just like younger kids, adult children often
go through a grieving process, complete with anger, confusion, and
despair.
Having said that, kids can and do thrive after their parent's
divorce. Something is ending, yes, but at the same time they are
starting something new. For the child's sake, work as hard as you
can to create two new families. It is like traveling
internationally. You do not know what to expect, but you hope that
the children will develop a willingness to be flexible, adapt to
different 'cultures', and learn and grow throughout the challenges.
Otherwise, they decompensate, which usually means acting out, but
sometimes means withdrawing. Rather than approach the process with
fear and trepidation, think about the lessons that can be gained and
expect that, with support, the kids will flourish.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html
In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I have
worked with children of all ages for over twenty years.
Usually parents drag their kids into my office complaining
of a litany of bad behaviors, ranging from not cleaning up
their rooms, to getting bad grades, hitting their siblings,
or worse, stealing, fighting or doing drugs. I work with
parents to change their children's behavior. It is very
helpful for the parents to know their children's experiences.
This and the previous article address what the child thinks
about the divorce and what s/he wants afterwards. Please
read the previous article in this series before reading
this one.
Children want to feel:
1) Safe and secure. Children want to be able to count on
their parents. Children of divorce have already felt the upset
of having people let them down, and may not be eager to give
second chances to their parents or stepparents.
2) Loved. Kids like to see and feel your affection, although
it should be a gradual process.
3) Seen and Valued. Kids often feel unimportant or invisible
when it comes to decision making in the new blended family.
Recognize their integral role in the family when you are making
decisions.
4) Heard and be emotionally connected. Kids are eager for real
connection and understanding. Creating an honest and open
environment free of judgment will help them feel heard. Show
them that you can view the situation from their perspective.
5) Appreciated and encouraged. Children of all ages respond to
praise and encouragement and like to feel appreciated for their
contribution.
Further, and this is number six, children need limits and boundaries. This is
often overlooked or ignored because parents think that when they
set limits, they are going to have more conflict. Parents think
there is already enough of that! Children may not think they need
limits or even want them. After all, the family configuration
has just changed and they might have something of a free-for-all,
getting more of what they want because the parent's relationship
is in a state of disarray. However, psychologically, a lack of
boundaries sends a signal that the child is unworthy of the
parents' time, care and attention. Paradoxically, when children
know their limits, their anxiety goes down, not up. This seems
counterintuitive, but when boundaries and limits are clear,
children know the safe zones, so they can let their guards down.
There is more certainty, so less need to figure it out. They relax.
They also reduce or even stop testing parents. They know there
will be consequences. All of this produces better-behaved kids.
The divorce of parents is a major life event, and it is
something a child will be coping with, in some cases for life.
Even adults may face thorny issues when parents divorce,
particularly concerning the changed relationship they will have
with each parent. Just like younger kids, adult children often
go through a grieving process, complete with anger, confusion, and
despair.
Having said that, kids can and do thrive after their parent's
divorce. Something is ending, yes, but at the same time they are
starting something new. For the child's sake, work as hard as you
can to create two new families. It is like traveling
internationally. You do not know what to expect, but you hope that
the children will develop a willingness to be flexible, adapt to
different 'cultures', and learn and grow throughout the challenges.
Otherwise, they decompensate, which usually means acting out, but
sometimes means withdrawing. Rather than approach the process with
fear and trepidation, think about the lessons that can be gained and
expect that, with support, the kids will flourish.
-Dr. Griggs
http://www.psychologyproductsandservices.com/page15.html