Plato once said that falling in love is a "grave mental disease." And yet, is there a person today who would marry without love? Think of the many times that you, or one of your friends, have rejected an otherwise ideal prospective mate with the heartbreaking words (or thoughts): "I think you are a wonderful person, even an exceptional one, I like spending time with you, I think you're interesting, fun, caring, and I really do like you very much, but I am so sorry… I am just not in love with you."

When one considers how often this situation repeats itself with virtually every marriage-minded single, one can easily realize that the frequency of this type of rejection is staggering. And painfully, the sword cuts both ways. Usually, when a seemingly good match fails to take place because it lacks the mystical quality of romantic love, both partners --not to mention concerned parents or friends-- end up hurting.
How Important is Romantic Love?

Although beautifully described in the Bible, particularly in Solomon's "Song of Songs," romantic love was not a common theme in Western literature until the 17th century English poets extolled their love in lilting rhymes and iambic pentameter. Consider Thomas Carew who wanted nothing of the calm state of a warm, caring relationship; he wanted either total love, or total rejection ("disdain" in old English):

Give me more love or more disdain;
either extreme of love or hate,
is sweeter than a calm estate.

These words are typical of the 17th century English poets.

How does such a romantic declaration grab the modern suitor? Is the love that today's 21st century singles demand, before committing to a marriage, the euphoric experience so beautifully described by Carew and his ilk in their rapturous sonnets to their fantasized loves?

In truth, although virtually all Americans are romantically inclined, very few would agree with the 17th century English lyricists on the topic of love. Even by the romantic Hollywood standards of the "old movies" those old time lyricists were too romantic, hopelessly unrealistic, and overwhelmingly guilty of idealizing their beloved. Nonetheless, the English poets of yesteryear did have a powerful impact on (at least modern) American thinking, and the concept of "falling in love" or "being in love" is a virtual sine qua non, in today's society to initiate, and in many cases, to maintain a marital relationship. And yet, important though it may be to so many people, how important is it really for a happy marriage? Can love alone sustain a relationship?

A Case History

A married man once confided to me that in spite of all his marital problems, when he took his wife in his arms, he was as close to hearing heavenly music as anyone on earth had ever experienced; furthermore, he was talking about something much beyond sexual excitement. It was an all-powerful all-consuming state of utter bliss with deep feelings of connection, comfort, union and elation. Now, although this man had the good fortune to marry his childhood sweetheart, most people aren't so lucky. And wouldn't anyone give their right arm to have such a partner for marriage? Not if they knew all the facts of this particular case!

Unfortunately, notwithstanding all the background music of the celestial choir, these two childhood lovers, a few short years after their marriage and still very much in love, were unable to get along as married partners. They had furious fights, called each other the vilest of names, and were miserable in their marriage. So much so that they initiated intensive marriage counseling as a last-ditch attempt to save their very rocky marriage. Who would have foreseen this? What happened to their romantic love? Didn't it conquer all? Clearly, not. This truism is being recognized more and more by the romantic, yet ever more sophisticated singles, and marrieds of today who are correctly aware that it takes more than romance to sustain a relationship.

Now, it might be argued that the aforementioned childhood sweethearts were young, inexperienced, and immature when they fell in love and they knew so little about themselves, or life in general, when they became entranced with each other, hence, theirs was a blind love. But others, the argument goes, are older and wiser when they marry, even though it is still for love.

My reply: People of all ages, levels of experience, even those in previous long-term live-in relationships and the formerly-married still meet each other, fall in love, and get married….and often end up with severe problems and, too often, divorce. In fact the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than that for first marriages.

Case History II

The names and some facts were disguised to protect the privacy of this couple. Robert and Linda, both unhappy in their respective marriages, got to know each other because their professional lives overlapped. As time elapsed, they began to talk to each other more and more and developed a friendly relationship. After both were divorced, their relationship flourished into a full-fledged romance and continued for a few years during which time they planned for a life together and marriage. Both were very much in love and convinced that they had found their true partner for life.

Ten years and three children later, Linda, in tears, depressed, and demoralized was seeking a separation. They both agreed to seek the help of a marriage counselor. Linda complained that her husband was "not there for her" at sensitive moments such as the death of her mother, her recuperation after an auto accident and other events. Moreover, she saw Robert as selfish, said that he didn't respect her work or interests, didn't help with the children, and that the reason they got along until now was that she always let him have his way. Now Linda's frustration level had reached a breaking point, and she refused to live this way any longer.

Robert complained that his wife denigrated his job, that she controlled the money and didn't spend it wisely, that she refused him sex, interrupted him, was sarcastic, fell short on mothering, didn't support him on in-law problems, etc. He averred that she exaggerated his faults, that he was in truth a good husband, and that he still loved her. He further reported that whereas their communication had been "fantastic" when they first met, now it was "a shouting match."

In view of their previous marriages, experience in life, maturity in years, and original reciprocal love for each other, why was their marriage now on the rocks?

What Happens to the Romantic Love?

(1) In the best of cases, the love remains even after the romantic love is long gone and the fighting is unbearable. A wife might say, "I still love him and I think he thinks he loves me in his own way, but I am not in love with him anymore. Further, I have put up with too much in the past, and refuse to put up with anymore. He's too selfish, angry, abusive, controlling, insensitive to my feelings, unaffectionate, unromantic, and non-communicative" (the list goes on, you probably could add your own adjectives here). Husbands have complained that their wives are "too demanding, controlling, insecure, opinionated, belittling, disorganized, sexually disinterested" (the list goes on, you probably could add your own adjectives here).

Many of the above complaints are applicable to both sexes as are the following: lack of respect or appreciation, lack of trust, not placing partner first in list of priorities, not enjoying each other or doing things together, not standing up to his/her family, not carrying a fair share of the load, not supportive, not showing interest in me, not accepting me as I am, and many others.

(2) With regard to the love element, in second tiered cases, many wives have said to me, "I can't say that I still love him, but I do care for him, I don't wish him any harm, but there is so much hurt, bitterness and anger. I don't want to be married to him. I actually feel sorry for him. I don't think he can change; but even if he does, let him become a good husband for someone else, not me. I've had it."

What do all of these scenarios have in common? All of these marriages began in an initial blaze of romance and love. Over time, the romance evaporated, and the love faded. What little love or caring remained was not enough to sustain the relationship. Why not? Clearly, love is not enough.

Is There a Case for Love?

And now, let's open the subject for discussion. On the one hand, even if we accept that romantic love is not enough, can we accept that it is nevertheless a crucial ingredient for marital happiness? Or perhaps, it isn't. In fact, let's go further. Let's question whether romantic love is even a necessary ingredient for a sustained happy marital relationship. And what about the role of non-romantic love? What role do the different types of love play in the permanency of a marital relationship? What role has love played in your relationship? What role does it play today?

It would be valuable for you to discuss these questions with your partner and come up with your own formulations. Assuming that love (your definition of love) is an important ingredient in your relationship, what other crucial or necessary ingredients does your relationship require? Discussions of this nature will force you and your partner to explore your respective philosophies and clarify your needs and value system. Hopefully, self-discovery, and the sharing that will take place, will result in greater mutual understanding.

So, is there a case for love? I think so. But admittedly love does not conquer all; and by itself it is not enough to sustain a relationship. On the other hand, love can be a powerfully motivating force to initiate a committed relationship, and an incentive to do everything you can to explore it, remedy it, nurture it, and preserve it.