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When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships By Mira Kirshenbaum ( St. Martin's Press )
Release Date: 2008-05-27
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List Price: $24.95
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Product Description
A world-renowned therapist, Mira Kirshenbaum has treated thousands of men and women caught in the powerful drama over what to do when an affair reaches into their emotional lives. Now, in When Good People Have Affairs, Kirshenbaum puts her unsurpassed experience into one clear, calming place. She gives readers everything they need to cut through the thickets of fear, hurt and confusion to find their ways to happier, more solid relationships with the person who’s right for them. For example, Kirshenbaum identifies seventeen types of affairs, helping readers figure out which type they’re in and what it means. Is it a: --“See-if” affair?
--Ejector-seat affair?
--Distraction affair?
--Unmet-needs affair?
--Panic affair? Kirshenbaum encourages honest answers to such questions as:
--What am I missing in my marriage?
--How do I decide between two people when it’s like comparing an apple to an orange?
--How do I decide to end my marriage, end my affair, or end them both? She leads readers through six easy-to-navigate steps that will take anyone from anxiety to clarity. When Good People Have Affairs will be a lifeline to any man or woman who feels caught between two lovers, and its insights are indispensable to anyone else touched by an affair.
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 Bad advice for Good People ( lis4peace )
I had several problems with this book, but for lack of space, I will just concentrate on the two biggest problems:
First, the author swears that affairs are wrong, but then says there "hidden wisdom" behind them. So, which is it -- a wrong decision or a wise one? The author explains it like this. When people are unhappy in their marriages, they are torn between two choices -- save their marriage or leave their marriage. Unable to decide, in the meantime, they go behind their spouses back and get intimate with a third person as a way to cope with their stress. Apparently they were too weak and confused to know better (a.k.a, the insanity defense). The affair was supposed to make them feel better, however, now they're being forced to make yet another decision -- choose either their faithful spouse or the person who's helping them lie to their faithful spouse. However, if they'd just listen to what the affair is trying to tell them, they'd know which person they're meant to be with and which action they're supposed to take. So, the affair was the answer to their problems all along, hence the hidden wisdom.
I could write an entire book on the faulty logic behind this thinking as well as whether or not a good person would actually behave this way, but instead I'll just focus on why I think this message is reckless. Although the author points out that affairs are the wrong way to decide whom you're meant to be with (a decision the author compares to deciding which dessert you want, they're both so good), some readers may not focus on the part that's wrong, but rather the part that's "wise". Opportunistic people may use it as a license to view an affair like a need rather than a want. If they're spending lots of alone time with an attractive person (innocently, of course, no agenda whatsoever) and then become troubled over whether they should be with this person person or their spouse (never mind that they already made this decision on their wedding day), then they may just go on ahead and have an affair to hear what it's hidden wisdom tells them to do. So, by spreading the word that affairs have some hidden wisdom attached to them, instead of helping to decrease the number of affairs happening today, the author may have actually helped to increase that number.
Second, the author says that once you've supposedly gotten an affair out of your system, you should not confess about the affair to your spouse, not even if asked point blank. Affairs are about deception, so if the author is so against that, why would she try to solve deception with more deception? The author basically says that the affair is done with, so there's no point in teling your spouse now. It would only hurt them. No, in fact, it would scar them for life. So, not telling them would be doing "what's best for everyone involved".
Wow, the way the author puts it, being dishonest is not only noble, it's heroic! First of all, since when do you decide for another person (who's not your child) what's best for them? Shouldn't they, as capable adults, decide that for themselves?
Also, let's be real here. Sparing your partner from pain may be part of your reason not to tell, but I doubt it's the main reason. The author even says that while your secret remains hidden, you still have the option to stay in or leave your marriage, but once you reveal your secret, those options go away. But what about your partner's options? If you sincerely want to do what's best for everyone (and not just yourself), then wouldn't you allow everyone a vote? Well, no, if they were allowed to vote, they might vote to leave you and you want them to stay put while you decide. So, by withholding the truth from them, you strip them of their choices so that events will turn out to your advantage. Therefore, the person whose pain you'd really be sparing is your own. This power play is not only selfish and controlling, it's manipulative. It's just manipulation reframed in a positive way, otherwise known as the analytical lie or the spin. So, despite what the author wants you to believe, withholding the truth in order to keep someone bound to you is not the actions of a hero. They're the actions of a coward.
She also makes the point that telling the truth won't make you feel less guilty, so why bother confessing? That's like a murderer saying confessing to the murder won't make me feel less guilty or bring the victim back, so why bother confessing? Because it's not just about you. Confessing is not about alleviating your guilt, it's about the decency of giving your partner the knowledge to make an informed decision whether or not to stay with you. Look, if you fantasize about having sex with another person, your partner doesn't need to know unless you want them to. You made a promise to never have sex with other people, not to never have sexual fantasies about other people. Your sexual fantasies are your own and are irrevelant to the relationship. But if you make that fantasy a reality by physically going out and having sex with another person, your partner DOES need to know that because that information IS relevant. Giving your partner not only the knowledge but the power to decide for themselves how they'd like to proceed is truly what it means to do "what's best for everyone involved".
If you really don't want to hurt your partner, then you can do two things when confessing. First, never ever blame your partner for the affair. Not even if you have the spouse from hell. You always had the option to either save the marriage in a healthy way or leave it. Since you chose an affair instead, you are 100% responsible and accountable for that decision. Second, while your partner needs to know about the affair, they don't need the gory details. They don't need to know if the sex was better, if the other person was sexier, etc... They only need to know who you had the affair with, how long it lasted, and if it's over. If it's not over, then they need to hear your game plan for ending it. That's it. These two things won't eliminate their pain, but at least it will reassure them that the affair wasn't a personal attack on them.
The author gives two exceptions for hiding the truth. The first is that if you had unprotected sex during the affair, you should tell. Sounds noble except that if your partner has been faithful to you and then contracts an STD, that STD would rat you out anyway, so you'd just be beating it to the punch. The other reason is if there's a possibility your partner could find out, then you should tell. Well, there's ALWAYS a possibility your partner could find out, so doesn't that prove you should tell? Otherwise, you'll spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder hoping there wasn't some clue you may have overlooked. Don't kid yourself, this is no way to live!
And you are kidding yourself if you think you can just pretend the affair never happened. Imagine overhearing your partner bragging to someone by saying, "My spouse has never cheated on me. Not even once! I'm so proud to call this person my partner." If you have a conscience, these words will feel like being stabbed in the chest. And if your partner is telling this to someone who knows about the affair, your partner will look like a fool and be pitied, and you will look like a jerk. But imagine if your partner said this instead, "My spouse had an affair. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but my partner exceeded my expectations in how maturely and patiently he/she handled my grief which allowed me to finally forgive him/her and for us to grow together as a team. I'm so proud to call this person my partner." Wouldn't you rather hear your partner brag about something that's real about you rather than about some lie you've been able to manage? And this way, your partner gets to keep their dignity in tact while you come across as a good person.
Therefore, if you want to be classified as a good person, you need to earn that title. You may not have acted like a good person when you had the affair, but you can take the first step to becoming one again by telling the truth. Acting like an adult, stepping up to the plate by admitting your wrongdoing, taking full responsibility for your actions and accepting whatever consequences that may come -- really, isn't that what a good person would actually do?
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 Solid advice, great humor ( anasthasia68 )
I really enjoyed Mira's book. It wasn't what I had expected, but it was better.
I thought it was going to be written in a very scientific manner, however it was
written in a user friendly format with some great humor. As a person who has found herself in one of those triangles Mira writes about, I wish I would have read this book years ago! Mira gives great insight and advice toward some very human issues.
I highly recommend this book.
Danielle
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Fantastic ( mandal@princeton.edu )
This book is nothing short of incredible. Imagine your car (ie: marriage) is breaking down and you need a manual and all the tools to fix it in one neat package. This was it! I spent so many years of my marriage thinking i was the worst person in the world for having confusing thoughts and feelings. i never even had the actual affair, but was thinking about it all the time. this book helped me understand and sort out my feelings and gave me all i needed to put my energy back into the most important relationship in my life.
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This book is a MUST
This book is a must for anyone who is married, involved, contemplating marriage, contemplating divorce, contemplating an affair... This is the first time I have read anything on the subject of infidelity that I felt portrayed an accurate, objective, nonjudgmental, commonsensical explanation of how it happens and how to proceed once it has. Dr. Kirshenbaum does not advocate infidelity, she merely accepts it as an unfortunate fact, and instead of leaving the reader feeling worse than s/he already does, she explains how to make the most of the situation by engaging in deep soul-searching through the many questions she poses. She clearly states several times that infidelity is wrong, and can be catastrophic, and she urges the reader to take steps to stop. I can see how judgmental, black-or-white type of people could criticize Dr. Kirshenbaum as being too lenient on the offenders, especially as she is brave and intelligent enough to publicly advocate keeping the affair a secret to take to the grave. However, in all the research I have done on the subject of marriage and happiness, as well as all the affairs I have witnessed with friends, etc. - I truly believe that what she says is correct. It is not a contradiction of terms to say good people have affairs. It is scandalous but correct to say that affairs can indeed strengthen a marriage in the types of situations she describes. She does a great job of helping the reader analyze whether s/he is in the right marriage, if the lover is indeed the right person or perhaps s/he should be alone, and she has the reader ask some extremely valuable questions regarding her/himself and the people with whom s/he is involved. Dr. Kirshenbaum allows for the possibility that while a happy nuclear family is the ideal, in some cases this is impossible and divorce may be the best even when children are involved. She helps the reader decide this also. The tone of the book is direct and friendly and it is an extremely quick read. I picked this book up while researching for my own book (a self-help book for women who lack passion and motivation in their lives), and I have urged all of my friends to read it. Why wait until your own relationship is in trouble? I recommend that people read this in order to avoid either marrying the wrong person, or being personally affected by infidelity. As Dr. Kirshenbaum points out, most infidelity happens almost by accident, in a non-premeditated manner. Best to be prepared by reading this book even if you don't think you need to!
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The right help at the right time
I recommend this book to anyone involved with 2 people. The insight Mira Kirshenbaum offers is so very crucial to those who have nowhere else to turn. She affirms thing that I know in my heart to be true, yet, to see it in print was so helpful. It was as though the book was written just for me. Thank you!
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Addiction
