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THE THERAPIST PSYCHOLOGIST BOOK STORE
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A General Theory of Love By Thomas LewisFari AminiRichard Lannon ( Vintage )
Release Date: 2001-01-09
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List Price: $14.95
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Product Description
Drawing comparisons to the most eloquent science writing of our day, three eminent psychiatrists tackle the difficult task of reconciling what artists and thinkers have known for thousands of years about the human heart with what has only recently been learned about the primitive functions of the human brain. The result is an original, lucid, at times moving account of the complexities of love and its essential role in human well-being.
A General Theory of Love draws on the latest scientific research to demonstrate that our nervous systems are not self-contained: from earliest childhood, our brains actually link with those of the people close to us, in a silent rhythm that alters the very structure of our brains, establishes life-long emotional patterns, and makes us, in large part, who we are. Explaining how relationships function, how parents shape their child’s developing self, how psychotherapy really works, and how our society dangerously flouts essential emotional laws, this is a work of rare passion and eloquence that will forever change the way you think about human intimacy.
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Amazon.com
Poor, poor science--it gets blamed for everything. While it might be true that some of our alienation and unhappiness stem from a too-rational misunderstanding of emotion, it's also true that science is its own remedy. A General Theory of Love, by San Francisco psychiatrists Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon, is a powerfully humanistic look at the natural history of our deepest feelings, and why a simple hug is often more important than a portfolio full of stock options. Their grasp of neural science is topnotch, but the book is more about humans as social animals and how we relate to others--for once, the brain plays second fiddle to the heart. Though some of their social analysis is less than fully thought out--surely e-mail isn't a truly unique form of communication, as they suggest--the work as a whole is strong and merits attention. Science, it turns out, does have much to say about our messy feelings and relationships. While much of it could be filed under "common sense," it's nice to know that common sense is replicable. Hard-science types will probably be exasperated with the constant shifts between data and appeals to emotional truths, but the rest of us will see in A General Theory of Love a new synthesis of research and poetry. --Rob Lightner
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 What Really Happens When Love Appears
Just what the doctor ordered. Written with with a poet's flourish this well-researched book is an easy read of a complex subject. Definitely a new way of looking at the most talked about yet least understood subject - Love!
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Amazing read
It was an interesting approach to characterize love scientifically. The book has many clear insights although sometimes it feels like they are making stretches to get to their points.
Aside from that, this is an incredible read that points us in the right direction to living a more healthy and fulfilling life.
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Love Is Irreducible ( kthdimension )
The eloquence and clarity with which Lewis, Amini, & Lannon present their general theory of love is almost as impressive as their dexterity in reducing something as elusive as love into a readable 230 pages. The authors initiate their discussion by describing the evolution of the human brain and the "brains" that comprise it: the reptilian brain, the limbic brain, and the neocortical brain, wherein the first is the most archaic of the three brains and is responsible for our vital, non-voluntary functions, the second allows for subtle and elaborate interactions with others, and the third orchestrates our conscience existence and the activities therein. The authors then dovetail into a discussion about memory and reason --- necessary precursors to a respectable discussion of love and its implications in our personal lives. The crux of the book -- and most engaging section, no less -- is ushered in with the declaration, "Who we are and who we become depends, in part, on whom we love" (pp.144). The authors note, however, that the aforementioned love distinctly differs from being 'in love', that is, the "potent feeling that the other fits in a way that no one has before or will again, [along with] an irresistible desire for skin-to-skin proximity, [as well as] a delirious urge to disregard all else" (pp.206). True love, however, "derives from intimacy, the prolonged and detailed surveillance of a foreign soul" (pp.207). Most importantly, however, the authors pointedly declare that "love cannot be extracted, commanded, demanded, or wheedled. It can only be given" (pp.209) -- a revelation that (rightly) punctuates "A General Theory of Love".
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 We need more books on this subject ( milliev16 )
I think that this book should be read not only by parents, but also by all the professionals who work with hurt or sick people and in particular by doctors and therapists.
The book is very well written combining science and poetic expression. I think this is the field that deserves so much more research, training and general awareness. We deal with consequences of "poor loving" all the time not only in our professional life (I am a doctor) but in our relationships, friendships, on our roads, service industry, our streets, schools.
This book also uses science and anthropology rather than just an opinion and experience to explain human emotional reactions and experience of love in it's universal form rather than just romantic and to remind us of consequences related to ignoring this essential part of our human existence.
It is an excellent book, but I would agree that not enough was done to develop the idea of self-regulation and treatment options outside the role of therapy. I expected this to be developed in the chapter "Between stone and sky, what can be done to heal hearts gone astray", but it did not live up to that expectation and if the authors were to write another edition to this book this would be the chapter to add to and really develop.
I also have bought extra copies as gifts for a few of my friends who work as therapists.
I would also like to add that there are so many boring books out there in the popular psychology addressing this important subject, but done so poorly and with no depth whatsoever. I am glad that someone from the scientific community bothered to actually write a book of this standard on this important subject and hope that there are more such books in the future ( the authors are encouraged to write and publish more in the future).
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Not quite a perfect book ( davidharris88 )
I wish to sound a note of caution about this book in my review. I found this to be a most valuable (and heartwarming!) book. For me the authors (maybe Dr. Lewis actually wrote the book?) did a beautiful job of explaining the evolutionary advantages attained by mammals with their limbic brain, gaining the ability to obtain information about the internal emotional state of other mammals. On the other hand, perhaps the authors *overemphasized* the advantages of gaining the ability to influence each other's emotional states, while not examining many disadvantages. Although probably required for the optimum of healthy individual development, a group could synchronize internal states, producing a mutual sense of well-being, and, without some other internal anchor, drift inexorably over a cliff while doing so. The mutual influences which led to the 1978 Jonestown suicide/massacre, or to the rise of Nazism in the 1930's and 1940's, are examples of this, I think. The development, in individuals, of characteristics not ultimately well suited to coping with reality, due to the influences of likewise-unhealthy parents, peers, society, or therapists, is one more example. (The authors do admit the existence of bad therapists.) The book's exposition of mutual influence also goes to explain *these* outcomes.
The authors may emphasize a bit too exclusively the unconditional love that a mother needs to provide in the earliest parts of childhood, and not quite enough the disciplined love that teaches a child the necessity of taking external *reality* into account also -- a role traditionally thought of as being the father's. Perhaps with this instruction the neo-cortex helps the organism to create or improve another anchor, different from the one of emotional satisfaction, and in doing so to gain increased mastery of external and internal realities. This is not emphasized in the book. Of course, the possessor of the neo-cortex has his own resultant problems. I think both elements are needed to culminate in a healthy adult.
For adults without a favorable childhood, therapy may be highly beneficial. But in chapter 8 of the book, the authors state "...a therapy's results are particular to *that* relationship. A patient doesn't become generically healthier; he becomes more like the therapist... The person of the therapist will determine the shape of the new world a patient is bound for; the configuration of *his* Attractors fixes those of the other." Is that what we desire -- a crop of therapist clones? I presume they would be modeled after the authors... *I* would rather have a therapist with a strong enough Attractor of his own, and a secure enough network of support, so that he could allow the patient to become *herself*, not necessarily a close reproduction of the therapist. And although I agree that time is needed to heal pre-existing damage, I am not sure that three to five years is required. The amount of healing that takes place depends also on how much reassurance is successfully given in the time which is spent on it.
I see the three therapists (and their publishers) as possibly being examples of a group that reached a state of considerable mutual grooming satisfaction. They included me in that group. Maybe that is not all that is required to bring other people to emotional health.
Note: do not overlook the Notes and Bibliography at the end of the book.
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Addiction
