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On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone By Florence Falk ( Three Rivers Press )
Release Date: 2008-03-25
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List Price: $13.95
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Product Description
At some point over the course of the average American woman’s life, she will find herself alone, whether she is divorced, widowed, single, or in a loveless, isolating relationship. And when that time comes, it is likely that she will be at a loss as to how to handle it. As a society, we have an unspoken but omnipresent belief that a woman alone is an outcast, inherently flawed in some way. In this invigorating, supportive book, psychotherapist Florence Falk aims to take the fear, doubt, confusion, and helplessness out of being a woman alone. Falk invites all women to find their own paths toward an authentic selfhood, to discover the pleasures and riches of solitude, and to reconnect with others through a newfound sense of self-confidence.
Like so many women before her, Florence Falk found herself divorced, alone, and unsure of herself. Soon she realized that by embracing her solitude for what it was—a potentially enriching and life-altering experience—she could turn what once would have felt like “loneliness” into a far more positive and empowered “aloneness.” Falk notes that each of us has two opposing drives: one causes us to yearn to make close connections with others, and the other pulls us back into ourselves, into the need for selfhood and certainty that can only be shaped through solitude. In order to be whole, she says, we must heed both of those impulses. But in our modern culture, the former is stressed while the latter is neglected, even vilified. On My Own boldly shifts that paradigm.
With inspiring, intimate stories of women from all backgrounds, Falk illuminates the essential role that being alone plays in women’s lives. Whether she is in a stable relationship or on her own, every woman must learn to be by herself; for if she can be fully free, unfettered by society’s stigmas about being alone, life and all its possibilities will open up for her. And as Falk demonstrates, once a woman has discovered the richness of solitude, she is not likely to give it up so easily.
From the Hardcover edition.
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The Art of Being a Woman Alone
By subtitling her book The Art of Being A Woman Alone, Florence Falk conveys the idea that being alone for a woman is an Art, a talent to be learned. Knowing how to be alone does not come naturally to most women. Anne Morrow Lindbergh counsels in her book, Gift From the Sea: "Woman must come of age by herself. This is the essence of 'coming of age'--to learn to stand alone."
Her title On My Own, tells us that this subject is one Ms. Falk has also needed to confront. In her case, her zest for work led to her lack of time alone, until she felt so burned out, she was forced to cancel future commitments.
What does it mean to be a woman alone and why is the ability to enjoy one's own company so relatively rare? Ms. Falk explores these important questions from every angle, adding the infectious wisdom of well-known writers, philosophers, and psychologists to her own.
Fear of loneliness keeps women in relationships that are disharmonious, even physically and/or emotionally abusive. Often women have a tendency to suppress their emotions because of feelings of shame, inferiority and depression, emotions difficult to share or to admit even to oneself. Nietzche called these emotions: "dangerous knowledge...which the heart ferociously resists, fearing to be disabled--fearing, in essence, its own salvation."
We fear being "present with ourselves" believing this to mean we will end up alone, without our connections to others we cannot imagine living without. Falk's book explains how these fears began, how society encourages them, and how our childhoods often reinforce them.
She quotes the English pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnecott, who emphasized that the ability to be alone depends upon a child being raised in "...the presence of a nurturing caregiver who, in the deepest sense, respects and therefore validates (his) being."
This perceptive book stresses that learning to be alone is a vital prerequisite for participating in a healthy relationship as well as in the development of one's creative skills. Having an aptitude for being alone is not something we are born with though some have a greater capacity for it than others. May Sarton, who wrote of her love of solitude in "Journal of a Solitude," talks about her own fear of "the huge empty silence" that greeted her each time she returned home after a lecture or book reading before a large audience.
Ms. Falk writes: "These alternating life currents of separation and connection...allow us to become our own mapmakers and move into the uncharted territory of our lives." It is a liberating experience to become one's own "mapmaker" and move into "uncharted territories" but for this to happen, one's fears need to take a backseat to the decisions that confront us daily.
It is only through solitude that we can achieve any semblance of self-knowledge. Ms. Falk points out: "How ironic that this relationship to oneself is the one we are least familiar with, and yet it is the building block for all others. Our strength, our stability, and the integrity of all our relationships depend on forging this vital connection."
My favorite quote in the book speaks to this point. It is by the poet Rainer Maria Rilke: "I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other." This is the definition of a relationship in which two people do not interfere with the personal freedom of the other.
It is important to mention that Ms. Falk reminds us of the difference between aloneness and solitude. If we are to enjoy solitude as a measure of our self-acceptance and portal to creativity, we must first allow and accept that we, each of us, are alone in our lives...and rather than see this as a frightening reality, let it lead us to a profound connection to our sacred selves.
I recommend this book to all who wish to explore their own fears regarding solitude, and to all who wish to deepen their connections to self.
by Duffie Bart
for Story Circle Book Reviews
reviewing books by, for, and about women
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 On My Own ( tcm_books )
More than likely, at some point in our lives, we are all going to find ourselves alone. Relationships fall apart. Children leave home. Our spouse passes. It's sad and rather scary when we enter a new phase of our life but what's really awful is the terror we put ourselves though.
It's the new millennium. Women have secured the right to vote and work alongside men in most any job that suits their fancy. Yet, somehow we still see a woman without a man (and by association, children) in a negative light. No one even considers that this woman might not need (or want) a companion. That she might be complete by herself. That she might even be happy and fulfilled. Instead, the thought is that there must be something wrong with this woman if she can't catch a man. Moreover, we are so terrified about such judgments that we will do almost anything to have a man, even if he's the wrong man.
On My Own relates stories of healing. Ordinary women who came to grips with being alone. People who learned to love themselves and enjoy their own company. The willingness to open to the possibilities that life has to offer.
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Nonjudgmental observations & examples of a not-so-rare phenomenon ( cork57 )
If only our culture had an extra rite of passage: one that required all young people, both men and women, to live on their own for at least six months before entering into any kind of emotional and intimate relationship. What benefits we would reap! Many of us move right from our parents' home or from a college dorm room into a live-in arrangement or a marriage. As a result, we never have a chance to learn how to be responsible for ourselves or even to figure out who we are as individuals. It's no wonder we get derailed when those relationships invariably end and we're left ALONE. Then we *have* to learn how to survive, and fast.
"On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone" addresses the aftermath. Women, amazingly enough, are still the most vulnerable individuals and as a group have the least amount of experience living alone. It's not that they have to be taught how to behave, as much as they have to be reassured that it's OK to be on their own in the first place. Shame and fear are among the major issues they may have to work to overcome. Those who embrace solitude as a time for reflection, creativity, and regrouping are the ones who thrive and succeed.
Florence Falk studies all of the aspects of such situations, beginning with the societal pressure to be beautiful, skinny, and part of a couple; then adding to those expectations the overriding childhood influences of parents and peers, as well as the lure of addictive habits to escape from them all. This is, therefore, a much fuller treatment than the title indicates. It's really a psychological scrutiny of the general lifestyle of the contemporary American woman.
While the text offers myriad examples from the author's life and those of her clients, friends, and acquaintances, its main target audience might be too stressed or depressed to be receptive to the book's message. Just knowing that others have gone the same way and have lived to tell the tale may not provide enough validation to anyone currently wallowing in an abyss that's filled to the brim with grief. "On My Own" is not a succinct or a step-by-step how-to-survive manual. Instead, its conversational style offers positive options and possibilities based upon real-life experience. It presumes patience, both in reading the book and in going through the recuperative process. The author calls for personal introspection: for first discovering your authentic self and the reasons behind your emotions and your actions, before you consider entering into interactions with other people. Of course, this is a prompting that any good psychotherapist would recommend.
I believe "On My Own" would be best read (a) as preparation before "stepping out," or making a choice that would result in resuming singlehood, (b) or as a confirmation well after the fact, when the emotional wounds have healed a bit and enough time has passed that the process can be viewed objectively. If this book had been around at the time of my divorce in 1991, for example, I wouldn't have been able to read it then. There would have been no need: I was *living* it. But being comfortable in being "a woman alone," years later, I find many familiar moments in the text, including a few that could be considered Ah-hah! revelations.
To me, it all comes down to ignoring society (to a certain extent), carving your own path, and heeding the simple advice that a divorced friend gave me when she learned my own marriage was ending, way back when: "Do something nice for yourself every day." That's the first step. Someday you'll be able to read "On My Own" and understand what really happened. You'll give yourself permission to do what you need to do to be true to your authentic self. After all, it takes both time and practice for a mere Condition to become an Art.
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BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN ( pamblair@aol.com )
One of the most profoundly true statements in this book is that "aloneness is an opportunity, a state brimming with potentiality..." I wish this inspirational book had been available when I was going through my alone times; it would have provided the extra inspiration and strength I needed. So glad it's available now. I may need it in the future. In the meantime, I'll be recommending it to my women clients and quoting from it in my next book. Florence Falk reminds us that each woman alone is a work of art in the making. Pamela D. Blair, author The Next Fifty Years: A Guide for Women at Mid-Life And Beyond
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On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone
The book is excellent.
When I ordered it I did not realize it was a paper back book. Had I known I would not have spent the money I did. My income is very limited and I felt the price was to high. In retrospect I am glad I purchased the book - in the future I wish I knew if the books were hard covered or paperback.
Thanks
Ruth Boshart
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